A Myth of Criticism

This week's post follows on the last, which expressed thoughts and observations about the power of praise.

Today, I'm inspired to take a look at the opposite type of communication that we often experience in relationship - criticism.

Marya and I were discussing communication practice in relationship and we noticed that (somewhat to our surprise) our relationship was almost entirely free of critical communication.  This was surprising to us because we had both experienced, as I think many people do, the exchange of critiques as a standard communication model in different kinds of relationships throughout our lives.

What struck us as most odd was that although we largely don't offer critical feedback to each other, somehow each of us has grown significantly during the course of this partnership.  We began to recognize that it seems that there can be a sort of myth about criticism existing in the world - that if you are not continually acting as a check for each other's behaviour, the members of a relationship might slip into some kind of spiritual sloth and cease developing as individuals.  Our experience has shown us that criticism is not actually necessary for tremendous growth to take place.

I have heard this myth around most often in our little bubble of new-age "conscious" relating.  It's not like we are sniping at each other in a "conscious" relationship, but I have heard the sentiment that says something like "my partner and I are committed to each other's growth, so of course when I see some place where it looks like they are not growing, I'm going to say something."  Personally, I love the sentiment that is expressed here, but I think that if we are running a version of this view in our  relationships, it may be carrying a couple of unanalyzed assumptions.

Assumption #1 - "I know where my partner needs to grow, and what is or isn't good for them"

If we put it in these words, many of us interested in conscious relating would not think to offer feedback from this place, because it is obvious that it can be very hard to know what is or isn't good for someone else.
    I think a great question to ask ourselves when we feel the need to give "constructive feedback" to our partner is:  "Do I have any sense that I am compelled to inform them about what I can see about their personal path of development, which they cannot see?"  This gets a little tricky, because sometimes there are things that we can see about how are partner seems to be hanging back from living their true potential.  We see them suffer, and we want to help.  Many of us also want to be living our lives committed to someone who is committed deeply to his or her self, and on a path of continuous growth.
     Can you see, though, how speaking from this place of "I can see it and you cannot" could sound like "from my vantage point up here on the moral high ground i know what's good for you," and feel very condescending when received?
     Reflect on the times that you have received criticism that felt condescending and whether it felt like that kind of communication opened your heart more, or closed it down.

Assumption #2 - "The best way to help a person grow is to point out the places where their development is lacking"

I know that this is a perspective that I have had imported to me through our American culture.  It is only in recent years that fields like education and psychology have begun to realize that children and adults thrive best under POSITIVE feedback, rather than negative.  A glaring example of this mistake (in my belief) is in our prison system.  Statistically, people who come out of prison are not likely to be "rehabilitated."  Rather it's just a matter of time before they are back in.  This is because we are PUNISHING people who have deep needs that are not being met.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not so liberal as to say "society is the cause, free everyone and we'll all just live in peace somehow."  But at the same time, if someone has a brain chemistry that evolved from poor nutrition, or living in an abusive situation, punishing them by placing them in an abusive environment is not going to do much to change those underlying patterns - and the opposite is true, that environment will likely reinforce them.
     My own feeling about much (though not all) of the criticism that we exchange is that it is often, at least mildly, punishing in nature.  The sad truth is, whether or not we mean to punish the other person, they often feel punished when criticized.  Rarely do people make changes that resonate within them at a deep level just by punishing the symptom.
     Another example of this philosophy is in  our practice of medicine in the West.  Again, don't get me wrong and think I'm saying that Western medicine is "bad" in any way.  What I will say, though, is that hospital medicine alone tends to have a bias toward addressing symptoms only - if you are depressed take an anti-depressant, if you have pain take this pain medication.  Our most common treatments of cancer utilize cancer-causing agents, and the recurrence of cancers is simliar to the re-incarceration of individuals in the prison system.  There are other styles of healing that can work hand in hand with these symptomatic approaches, styles which endeavor to treat the root of the problem.  If you're depressed, let's see if there is anything psychologically, nutritionally, or environmentally that needs to change.  Usually if these deeper causes are addressed, the symptom simply disappears.
     When we are vexed by some pattern of behaviour in our partners, it can be easy to jump to worrying about how to fix the behaviour.  What we often overlook is that whatever the behaviour is, it is meeting some deep need that they have (often unskillfully).  To criticize the behaviour does nothing to meet the underlying need, and even if they accept our critique and decide to change, a new pattern may be adopted to take the old pattern's place (sometimes the new pattern is simply festering resentment of the critiquing partner).

Lift-Ups and Put-Downs

In my work as a spiritual educator for children, I was recently reading an exercise from a Unitarian curriculum, where they proposed to teach the children the practice of "lift-ups."  These are statements like "I appreciate Johnny because he's always cheerful."  The interesting thing about this practice is that they compared it with the concept of a "put-down," and noted the difference in the terminology.  When you put someone down, energetically, they start to feel low.  But when you praise them, it can feel like they've been literally "raised" up.
     Many yogis and masters of energy cultivation have noticed that we can bless or curse others with our speech.  When we blame another, it "puts-down" their energy, when we criticize it does the same thing.  On the other hand, when we shine our gratitude toward another, they often feel lifted up.
     What the qigong masters tell us is that these feelings in another are actual energetic phenomena.  When you give the gift of your gratitude, you are actually shining a type of subtle energy to the other person and they feel as if they've truly been blessed.  The wonderful thing is that the giver of gratitude also gets to feel the blessing of the energy that is shining through him or her.
     In the ancient schools of yogic relationship, it is said that one of the major reasons to practice a yogic intimacy is so that you can each empower each other's energy body, and thus come to a higher state of realization.  My beloved and I call this "enlightenment leap-frog".  The leap-frog element is because sometimes I feel abundant in energy and can use that positive light I feel to bless her.  Receiving that blessing, she then becomes abundant in energy as well, and can bless me - raising my vibrational body up to an even higher level.  This process goes back and forth - ultimately resulting in massive spiritual and energetic growth for both members of the intimate union.

Constructive Criticism

So a question that now might come up is, "But is there such a thing as 'Constructive' criticism?"  I think the answer is yes.  The code, I feel, is in the phrasing "constructive."  If I wish to give my partner some feedback that I think she'll find useful in her process of growth and development, I first ask myself "Will this sharing be additive to her life?  Will the way I'm about to say this help her to feel lifted up, or will it help her to feel put down?"  If I truly think that the feedback will function for her as a blessing, there are a few best practices that I've been taught, which attempt to phrase the feedback skillfully.

1. Speak from your experience, rather than infinite wisdom

It's often much more meaningful and receivable to hear about what you yourself feel, rather than WHAT IS SO.  If I tell my partner, "I find myself preferring an hour alone for spiritual practice in the morning" this might be hard to receive if she wanted to spend that time together, but it's much easier to hear than "people don't need to spend EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY together"  or worse yet, "You really need to work on your dependency issues."

2. Point to specific incidents

Avoid using the terms "always" or "never" and instead just speak about the specific moment that is troubling you.  Vagueness around some "pattern" you notice in your partner doesn't always give them anything to really work with, but speaking about what happened on Friday at 5pm can really get the point across in a scientific, rather than emotional way.  Just to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing our feelings and emotions, but when we present the evidence of our claims mixed in with our emotional interpretations, this can be the beginning of a very powerful argument and a game of "who's right?"  When we point to specific incidents, on the other hand, with an attitude of exploring together, amazing conversations can ensue.

3. You can make requests without criticism at all

This is perhaps the most important thing I've ever learned.  You can ask for what you need without there needing to be anything wrong with what your partner is doing.  So often I hear people needing to construct a long argument about how "you never like to give me physical affection and you can be so aloof, I think you're out of touch with your emotions and I don't know that that's healthy..."  when they could just say "would you be willing to hold my hand more?"
     At least in the early stages of relationship, most partners are eager to make their beloved happy.  That's probably why they're in relationship with you in the first place, because they like to see you happ and they enjoy being the cause of that happiness.  It can be very surprising what happens if you just open up to asking for what you want.

4. Use the "praise sandwich"

Often times, criticism goes down easier when it is surrounded by praise.  If we just tell someone what is lacking (even if it is very true that it is lacking), it can sometimes feel like all we do is focus on what's wrong, and that can be very draining.  When we accentuate the positive before we give criticism, it's not like we are trying to "soften the blow."  We can think of it more like tuning the energy of our communication toward lifting up, and lessening the possibility of someone feeling "put down."
      To make a praise sandwich, think of our constructive feedback as the meat, tofu, portobello mushroom, or whatever kind of "hearty" filling goes in the middle.  Then put a slice of praise bread on the beginning, and another on the end.
     It might go something like this:
"When we spend time together on Friday nights, I love the sense of connection I feel with you.  I do, though, sometimes feel stressed that it seems you have to check on work emails a lot during that time and I wonder if there's a way that we can carve out a time that is for just us.  I ask this because I really value your presence and have been having a lot of fun together lately."
    Another real-life example could be:
"I am SO grateful that you consistently do both of our dinner dishes.  I wonder if you'd be willing to wipe down the counter top as part of your cleaning of the kitchen - that makes if feel even cleaner to me.  It feels like such a gift to have a partner who does their part to keep our home clean!"

5.  Try to come from the sense of shared purpose

Remember, if you are in relationship, you have a shared purpose.  To a yogi, the purpose of intimate relating is spiritual growth and service of others.  If you can keep in mind that you are in this together, and you have a much bigger mission than just personal preferences, often this feeling of shared purpose makes every interaction feel that much more heart-centered and surrounded by an energy of love.

Using these tools has helped me personally feel more and more lifted up in my relationship and I hope they can for you too.  This uplift seems to bleed over into every aspect of my life, my meditation, my service-work, and my personal happiness.  Recognizing that we are here in partnerships to bless each other can be a magical key that unlocks a great wealth of subtle energy to fuel your deepest dreams!

Blessings and happy practicing!

Rev. Fa Jun