A Secret Key to Heart Communion

Sometimes the best communication techniques just don't "work."

Sometimes I diligently state my "Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests," and all it results in is the person calling me distant, or removed from my emotions.

I think that there are two things going on here when this happens - the first is about energy.

Regardless of what you say, the human, animal, or plant that you are communicating with is deeply attuned to how you feel when you say it.  Various studies point to strange facts like people being able to accurately tell when they are being stared at through closed circuit cameras, dogs getting excited when their owner starts their trip home, and plants thriving when given extra love and attention.

If this is true, then how can we expect someone to respond to our surface kindness if what is happening underneath feels like anger, disrespect, judgement, or disappointment?

I think this is the root of some of the complaints I have heard at times about disciplines like NonViolent Communication and the like - that it can feel inauthentic, that is interrupts actual intimacy, and that at times people have been judged for their inability to utilize the process in an "orthodox" way.  I have myself experienced the use of communication protocols in ways that created greater distance than closeness (sometimes it was me using them this way).

In my current understanding, this is because what is being communicated is not just your words.  In addition to words, there is tone, facial expression, body posture, and the like.  It can be valuable to learn to utilize our posture, tone, and expression to inspire safety in another, but I think that there is an even faster way.  That way is simply love.  When we are feeling love for the other person, our tone will naturally reflect it, our posture will signify it, and our expression will shine that love outward.

Many have had the experience that somehow even if their partner is communicating like a complete fool, but there is a sense of love, it makes the situation somehow a little more "OK".

I think this understanding can lead to an even deeper understanding - that the point of these communication and intimacy tools was never to get our "needs" met in the first place.  Yes, we talk about our needs, but I think that the deepest level of practice is one in which we share our needs with the other person simply as a way to unveil our deepest selves.  The practice of communion through communication is not one of learning more skillful ways to get what we want - it is a practice of continually giving our hearts away to the other.

This is what I mean when I say "love".  There are some people who would much rather have a good ol' fashioned shouting match that had the force of love behind it than a civilized conversation centered around each person protecting his or her ego.

Marshall Rosenberg reminds us that the aim of his system, NVC, is not to get what we want, but simply to share what is "alive in us" - by playing the game he calls "making life wonderful."  The amazing thing is, many of us come to realize, that the best way TO get what we want, is simply to let go of our own desires in the act of giving our heart to the other.

One of my favorite teachers on the path of partnership, David Deida speaks of different "stages" that we can operate from in relationship.  The first stage is selfish, the second is sort of 50/50, and the third is total giving love.

I think that when I hear people who are well trained in communication crying out for a deeper sense of sharing, they are ready to make the leap from the 50/50, "give a little, get a little" phase into the "balls out" love till it hurts, "F#ck everything, i'm loving anyway!" phase, which is the third stage.  This transition is not easy, it's completely terrifying.  The second stage is one of well defined boundaries, "safe space," clear terminology, and agreements - these are some of the most important things we can grow if we are to learn to share the world with our beloveds in a healthy way, and in a way, the third stage means leaving those safety nets behind.

Eventually you come to find that the places inside where you need others to live up to their agreements before you can love them fully, the places where you want to make sure your boundaries are respected, and the places where you need some solid ground, are all grasping at safety for the ego.  There is a Love that exists beyond all this self protection.  That which acted as the deepest nourishment to bring us up from selfishness and fear has now become the greatest barrier to true intimacy.

In my own case, the pain of that barrier just became too great.  I was tired of hiding my heart and carving out space and time for its self-defense training.  I was exhausted from running after the needs of my little "self".  I yearned for the sweet release of giving everything in love.  I practiced half-heartedly with many patient dakinis until my heart was ripe - then I found a guru I could give myself to in devotion and have never yet regretted a single moment.  This love is a place of clarity and boundaries sometimes, and sometimes of defining terms and "taking space."  At other times, though, it is the willful and daring disregard of those carefully crafted boundaries, because love will not sit back any longer.  It is Kali-Ganesha force of wall-destruction and reveling in the dance of chaos for the sake of the Beloved.

This can never be self-serving, or you're just an ass.  And you do need to learn to communicate.  But when it comes down to it, on the inside, you have to be ready to put everything on the line to serve the other.  They may completely reject you, they may rush into your arms, you might totally fuck it up - there's no way to always get it "right".  But maybe for the first time in your life, like it was for me, you can relax with the feeling that you did your best, loved your hardest, and kept nothing in reserve for the trip home.