a sermon on "have to", "can't", willingess, and capability

Excerpted from my Sunday Church service:

"I want to tell you a story today about smiling jackal.  Now jackals are always barking and sniping at each other… it’s the only way they know how to communicate.

Smiling Jackal, though, was different than his brothers and sisters.  When Mama Jackal would tell them to do something, they would growl and snarl and sometimes mama had to give them a little bite before they would do their chores.  Smiling Jackal would just smile and then do his chores.

Afterward though, smiling jackal would sneak outside, and the smile would slowly slip away.  He would run about, bark, howl, and snarl.  He would dig up the ground all around the plain by their den and he was very unhappy.

One day Giraffe was walking by while all this was happening.  “what ever is wrong?” asked giraffe.  “Mama Jackal is soooo mean” replied smiling Jackal.  “Why do you say that?” asked Giraffe.  “Because she makes me do things I don’t want to do!”  He snarled.

“So you’re feeling angry?” asked giraffe.  “YES!” Roared smiling jackal. “ Because you don’t want anyone to make you do things you don’t want to do?”  “THAT’S RIGHT!  I shouldn’t have to do anything I don’t choose to do!”  smiling jackal said.

“But you didn’t do anything you didn’t want to do” said Giraffe.  

“oh yes I did," said Smiling Jackal "I didn’t want to do the dishes, but I did them anyway!  She made me do it.” 

Giraffe replied:

“Smiling Jackal, no one can make you do what you don’t want to do.  It sounds to me like you wanted something else even more than you didn’t want to do your chores…. Can you think of what that would be?”

“errrrm….” Growled Smiling Jackal… “well, if I don’t do my chores, mamma will bite me, I don’t want her to bite me”

“Ok,” said Giraffe, “so you wanted safety more than you wanted to not do your chores?”

“I guess SO!” said Smiling Jackal.  “um… I also don’t want mamma to be angry at me, I want mamma to be happy and to cuddle me”

“wow!” said Giraffe, “so it sounds like you wanted love and harmony even more than you wanted to not do your chores.  Is that right?”

“it sounds right,” said smiling Jackal.  “I try to smile and be good so mamma will be happy, but then I feel SO angry afterward and I don’t know why”

“Well,” giraffe said, “even though you were smiling on the outside, it sounds like on the inside you thought someone was making you do something.  Nobody likes to be told what they have to do – usually they feel powerless and that makes them angry”

“I do feel powerless,” said smiling jackal, “even though I smile and go along with it,”

“And how do you feel when you think about how you chose to do your chores because your desire for safety, harmony, and affection were stronger than your desire for freedom and to make your own decisions?”

asked Giraffe.

“Well, now I feel sad, not angry.  Like, I still want to be able to make my own decisions, but now I see how I am not powerless, I am choosing the things that are most important to me.  I don’t like that I have to do my chores when someone else tells me I have to, but I understand that I choose to do them so that I can have harmony in the den.”

“Thank you friend Giraffe!” said smiling Jackal, and ran off to play.

Willing vs. Capable

So just like we learned in our story today, no one can make you do anything.  That means that you don’t have to do anything.  We choose to do things.  To certain extent, most of us only have to do a few things – like breathe.  Most of us are not capable of stopping our breath through volition alone like the great yogis can, but aside from breathing, there is little that we have to do.  Similar to "have to" is our relation to the word can’t.  Many of use have come to use can’t as a convenience and a form of politeness.  It just sounds nicer to say “I can’t come tonight, I’ve got soo much to do” than to say “I’m choosing to do other things this evening rather than spend time with you.”

        

When you’re capable, but not willing

On one level, this is just social nicety and short-hand, but I think it becomes a problem when we start to talk this way to ourselves.  If you really wanted to go out with your friend, but felt like the other activities were forcing you to stay home (I have to study tonight), you might start to feel frustrated and resentful.  On the other hand, if, on the inside, you remember that you are choosing to stay home because you want to fulfill certain needs or values that you hold, it might still feel sad, but the pain of resentment, powerlessness, are not a part of the story (“I am choosing to study because my value for learning, financial stability, and accountability are very important to me right now”).

         When we say “can’t” we are creating an illusion of powerlessness.  We are adopting an energetic stance that is actually not true.  You may not need to change your language on the outside if you aren’t experiencing any big relationship challenges, but changing it on the inside can significantly reduce your own angst.

        

When you’re willing, but not capable

Another important element to consider is whether others are willing or capable of meeting the requests we make of them.  Many times, when people respond to us with “I can’t”, what they really mean is “I choose not to”.  Sometimes though, people agree to things that they are not actually capable of.  I personally, in my heart of hearts, would love to work 8 hour days about 6 days per week, have a 4 hour a day meditation practice, get plenty of sleep, AND spend quality time with my partner.  Sadly, this is not currently an option because there is simply not enough time and mental energy available.  When I’ve tried to do this, I’ve gotten sick and depressed.  Perhaps it is a similar case when we ask a friend who is not yet emotionally intelligent to speak to us more kindly.  They might be willing to do so, but they may not be capable.

Letting go of resentment and attachment to a behavior – when someone isn’t capable of meeting our needs

         Perhaps this is the time to invoke the wisdom of an ancient song – “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need”.  We cannot get what we want from everyone we want it from, in the ways that we want it.  If we understand that sometimes people just aren’t capable, it can make it easier for us to let go of the intensity of our need for them to behave in a certain way, and also easier to release some of the disappointment or anger.  

         If a friend makes a ridiculous request of me that requires me to work extra hard, I might feel frustrated or angry at them for not doing their own share.  But my opinion might change if I find out they had a broken leg, were having a panic attack, or just got some very bad news.  My capacity to be of service, or at least to forgive, increases when I understand that another may not be capable of engaging with me in the way I hoped they would.

        

Letting go of resentment when people aren’t willing to meet our needs

Now the difficult work – can we let go of sadness and anger when a person simply isn’t willing?  This is where we must invoke the power of empathy.  They are saying they “can’t”, but we know that what they mean is that they are unwilling.  This doesn’t feel great when we are making a request for more affection, or for help of some kind when we think we need it the most.  But the more practice we have at accepting this possibility and loving another anyway, the less strain it will put on our own hearts.

It is possible for us to feel into what needs might be present for another that are making them unwilling to meet our needs in the way we want them to.  Please remember  that when you felt that you can’t in some situation, it is because you are actually meeting some other need or value that appears more important to you at the time.  Perhaps the person that is unwilling to respond positively to your request has other priorities that they are valuing right now.

If you can imagine the needs or values that the other person is meeting for him or herself, you can feel into their experience, love them, and forgive them – Even if you have to give yourself empathy for your own needs not being met in the way you wanted them to be.  Placing yourself in the other's shoes allows you to remain connected to them even if you are not getting the kind of love you might want.

Just in the way that in most cases you don’t have to do many of the things you tell yourself you do.  You will not perish if these specific requests aren’t met.  You’ve taken the power back to yourself.  Because of this, you will not feel the need to punish others for their unwillingness, but instead find ways to move toward what each of you IS willing to do from your sense of connection and nourishing life!"