Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
A Myth of Criticism
This week's post follows on the last, which expressed thoughts and observations about the power of praise.
Today, I'm inspired to take a look at the opposite type of communication that we often experience in relationship - criticism.
Marya and I were discussing communication practice in relationship and we noticed that (somewhat to our surprise) our relationship was almost entirely free of critical communication. This was surprising to us because we had both experienced, as I think many people do, the exchange of critiques as a standard communication model in different kinds of relationships throughout our lives.
What struck us as most odd was that although we largely don't offer critical feedback to each other, somehow each of us has grown significantly during the course of this partnership. We began to recognize that it seems that there can be a sort of myth about criticism existing in the world - that if you are not continually acting as a check for each other's behaviour, the members of a relationship might slip into some kind of spiritual sloth and cease developing as individuals. Our experience has shown us that criticism is not actually necessary for tremendous growth to take place.
I have heard this myth around most often in our little bubble of new-age "conscious" relating. It's not like we are sniping at each other in a "conscious" relationship, but I have heard the sentiment that says something like "my partner and I are committed to each other's growth, so of course when I see some place where it looks like they are not growing, I'm going to say something." Personally, I love the sentiment that is expressed here, but I think that if we are running a version of this view in our relationships, it may be carrying a couple of unanalyzed assumptions.
Assumption #1 - "I know where my partner needs to grow, and what is or isn't good for them"
If we put it in these words, many of us interested in conscious relating would not think to offer feedback from this place, because it is obvious that it can be very hard to know what is or isn't good for someone else.
I think a great question to ask ourselves when we feel the need to give "constructive feedback" to our partner is: "Do I have any sense that I am compelled to inform them about what I can see about their personal path of development, which they cannot see?" This gets a little tricky, because sometimes there are things that we can see about how are partner seems to be hanging back from living their true potential. We see them suffer, and we want to help. Many of us also want to be living our lives committed to someone who is committed deeply to his or her self, and on a path of continuous growth.
Can you see, though, how speaking from this place of "I can see it and you cannot" could sound like "from my vantage point up here on the moral high ground i know what's good for you," and feel very condescending when received?
Reflect on the times that you have received criticism that felt condescending and whether it felt like that kind of communication opened your heart more, or closed it down.
Assumption #2 - "The best way to help a person grow is to point out the places where their development is lacking"
I know that this is a perspective that I have had imported to me through our American culture. It is only in recent years that fields like education and psychology have begun to realize that children and adults thrive best under POSITIVE feedback, rather than negative. A glaring example of this mistake (in my belief) is in our prison system. Statistically, people who come out of prison are not likely to be "rehabilitated." Rather it's just a matter of time before they are back in. This is because we are PUNISHING people who have deep needs that are not being met. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so liberal as to say "society is the cause, free everyone and we'll all just live in peace somehow." But at the same time, if someone has a brain chemistry that evolved from poor nutrition, or living in an abusive situation, punishing them by placing them in an abusive environment is not going to do much to change those underlying patterns - and the opposite is true, that environment will likely reinforce them.
My own feeling about much (though not all) of the criticism that we exchange is that it is often, at least mildly, punishing in nature. The sad truth is, whether or not we mean to punish the other person, they often feel punished when criticized. Rarely do people make changes that resonate within them at a deep level just by punishing the symptom.
Another example of this philosophy is in our practice of medicine in the West. Again, don't get me wrong and think I'm saying that Western medicine is "bad" in any way. What I will say, though, is that hospital medicine alone tends to have a bias toward addressing symptoms only - if you are depressed take an anti-depressant, if you have pain take this pain medication. Our most common treatments of cancer utilize cancer-causing agents, and the recurrence of cancers is simliar to the re-incarceration of individuals in the prison system. There are other styles of healing that can work hand in hand with these symptomatic approaches, styles which endeavor to treat the root of the problem. If you're depressed, let's see if there is anything psychologically, nutritionally, or environmentally that needs to change. Usually if these deeper causes are addressed, the symptom simply disappears.
When we are vexed by some pattern of behaviour in our partners, it can be easy to jump to worrying about how to fix the behaviour. What we often overlook is that whatever the behaviour is, it is meeting some deep need that they have (often unskillfully). To criticize the behaviour does nothing to meet the underlying need, and even if they accept our critique and decide to change, a new pattern may be adopted to take the old pattern's place (sometimes the new pattern is simply festering resentment of the critiquing partner).
Lift-Ups and Put-Downs
In my work as a spiritual educator for children, I was recently reading an exercise from a Unitarian curriculum, where they proposed to teach the children the practice of "lift-ups." These are statements like "I appreciate Johnny because he's always cheerful." The interesting thing about this practice is that they compared it with the concept of a "put-down," and noted the difference in the terminology. When you put someone down, energetically, they start to feel low. But when you praise them, it can feel like they've been literally "raised" up.
Many yogis and masters of energy cultivation have noticed that we can bless or curse others with our speech. When we blame another, it "puts-down" their energy, when we criticize it does the same thing. On the other hand, when we shine our gratitude toward another, they often feel lifted up.
What the qigong masters tell us is that these feelings in another are actual energetic phenomena. When you give the gift of your gratitude, you are actually shining a type of subtle energy to the other person and they feel as if they've truly been blessed. The wonderful thing is that the giver of gratitude also gets to feel the blessing of the energy that is shining through him or her.
In the ancient schools of yogic relationship, it is said that one of the major reasons to practice a yogic intimacy is so that you can each empower each other's energy body, and thus come to a higher state of realization. My beloved and I call this "enlightenment leap-frog". The leap-frog element is because sometimes I feel abundant in energy and can use that positive light I feel to bless her. Receiving that blessing, she then becomes abundant in energy as well, and can bless me - raising my vibrational body up to an even higher level. This process goes back and forth - ultimately resulting in massive spiritual and energetic growth for both members of the intimate union.
Constructive Criticism
So a question that now might come up is, "But is there such a thing as 'Constructive' criticism?" I think the answer is yes. The code, I feel, is in the phrasing "constructive." If I wish to give my partner some feedback that I think she'll find useful in her process of growth and development, I first ask myself "Will this sharing be additive to her life? Will the way I'm about to say this help her to feel lifted up, or will it help her to feel put down?" If I truly think that the feedback will function for her as a blessing, there are a few best practices that I've been taught, which attempt to phrase the feedback skillfully.
1. Speak from your experience, rather than infinite wisdom
It's often much more meaningful and receivable to hear about what you yourself feel, rather than WHAT IS SO. If I tell my partner, "I find myself preferring an hour alone for spiritual practice in the morning" this might be hard to receive if she wanted to spend that time together, but it's much easier to hear than "people don't need to spend EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY together" or worse yet, "You really need to work on your dependency issues."
2. Point to specific incidents
Avoid using the terms "always" or "never" and instead just speak about the specific moment that is troubling you. Vagueness around some "pattern" you notice in your partner doesn't always give them anything to really work with, but speaking about what happened on Friday at 5pm can really get the point across in a scientific, rather than emotional way. Just to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing our feelings and emotions, but when we present the evidence of our claims mixed in with our emotional interpretations, this can be the beginning of a very powerful argument and a game of "who's right?" When we point to specific incidents, on the other hand, with an attitude of exploring together, amazing conversations can ensue.
3. You can make requests without criticism at all
This is perhaps the most important thing I've ever learned. You can ask for what you need without there needing to be anything wrong with what your partner is doing. So often I hear people needing to construct a long argument about how "you never like to give me physical affection and you can be so aloof, I think you're out of touch with your emotions and I don't know that that's healthy..." when they could just say "would you be willing to hold my hand more?"
At least in the early stages of relationship, most partners are eager to make their beloved happy. That's probably why they're in relationship with you in the first place, because they like to see you happ and they enjoy being the cause of that happiness. It can be very surprising what happens if you just open up to asking for what you want.
4. Use the "praise sandwich"
Often times, criticism goes down easier when it is surrounded by praise. If we just tell someone what is lacking (even if it is very true that it is lacking), it can sometimes feel like all we do is focus on what's wrong, and that can be very draining. When we accentuate the positive before we give criticism, it's not like we are trying to "soften the blow." We can think of it more like tuning the energy of our communication toward lifting up, and lessening the possibility of someone feeling "put down."
To make a praise sandwich, think of our constructive feedback as the meat, tofu, portobello mushroom, or whatever kind of "hearty" filling goes in the middle. Then put a slice of praise bread on the beginning, and another on the end.
It might go something like this:
"When we spend time together on Friday nights, I love the sense of connection I feel with you. I do, though, sometimes feel stressed that it seems you have to check on work emails a lot during that time and I wonder if there's a way that we can carve out a time that is for just us. I ask this because I really value your presence and have been having a lot of fun together lately."
Another real-life example could be:
"I am SO grateful that you consistently do both of our dinner dishes. I wonder if you'd be willing to wipe down the counter top as part of your cleaning of the kitchen - that makes if feel even cleaner to me. It feels like such a gift to have a partner who does their part to keep our home clean!"
5. Try to come from the sense of shared purpose
Remember, if you are in relationship, you have a shared purpose. To a yogi, the purpose of intimate relating is spiritual growth and service of others. If you can keep in mind that you are in this together, and you have a much bigger mission than just personal preferences, often this feeling of shared purpose makes every interaction feel that much more heart-centered and surrounded by an energy of love.
Using these tools has helped me personally feel more and more lifted up in my relationship and I hope they can for you too. This uplift seems to bleed over into every aspect of my life, my meditation, my service-work, and my personal happiness. Recognizing that we are here in partnerships to bless each other can be a magical key that unlocks a great wealth of subtle energy to fuel your deepest dreams!
Blessings and happy practicing!
Rev. Fa Jun
Today, I'm inspired to take a look at the opposite type of communication that we often experience in relationship - criticism.
Marya and I were discussing communication practice in relationship and we noticed that (somewhat to our surprise) our relationship was almost entirely free of critical communication. This was surprising to us because we had both experienced, as I think many people do, the exchange of critiques as a standard communication model in different kinds of relationships throughout our lives.
What struck us as most odd was that although we largely don't offer critical feedback to each other, somehow each of us has grown significantly during the course of this partnership. We began to recognize that it seems that there can be a sort of myth about criticism existing in the world - that if you are not continually acting as a check for each other's behaviour, the members of a relationship might slip into some kind of spiritual sloth and cease developing as individuals. Our experience has shown us that criticism is not actually necessary for tremendous growth to take place.
I have heard this myth around most often in our little bubble of new-age "conscious" relating. It's not like we are sniping at each other in a "conscious" relationship, but I have heard the sentiment that says something like "my partner and I are committed to each other's growth, so of course when I see some place where it looks like they are not growing, I'm going to say something." Personally, I love the sentiment that is expressed here, but I think that if we are running a version of this view in our relationships, it may be carrying a couple of unanalyzed assumptions.
Assumption #1 - "I know where my partner needs to grow, and what is or isn't good for them"
If we put it in these words, many of us interested in conscious relating would not think to offer feedback from this place, because it is obvious that it can be very hard to know what is or isn't good for someone else.
I think a great question to ask ourselves when we feel the need to give "constructive feedback" to our partner is: "Do I have any sense that I am compelled to inform them about what I can see about their personal path of development, which they cannot see?" This gets a little tricky, because sometimes there are things that we can see about how are partner seems to be hanging back from living their true potential. We see them suffer, and we want to help. Many of us also want to be living our lives committed to someone who is committed deeply to his or her self, and on a path of continuous growth.
Can you see, though, how speaking from this place of "I can see it and you cannot" could sound like "from my vantage point up here on the moral high ground i know what's good for you," and feel very condescending when received?
Reflect on the times that you have received criticism that felt condescending and whether it felt like that kind of communication opened your heart more, or closed it down.
Assumption #2 - "The best way to help a person grow is to point out the places where their development is lacking"
I know that this is a perspective that I have had imported to me through our American culture. It is only in recent years that fields like education and psychology have begun to realize that children and adults thrive best under POSITIVE feedback, rather than negative. A glaring example of this mistake (in my belief) is in our prison system. Statistically, people who come out of prison are not likely to be "rehabilitated." Rather it's just a matter of time before they are back in. This is because we are PUNISHING people who have deep needs that are not being met. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so liberal as to say "society is the cause, free everyone and we'll all just live in peace somehow." But at the same time, if someone has a brain chemistry that evolved from poor nutrition, or living in an abusive situation, punishing them by placing them in an abusive environment is not going to do much to change those underlying patterns - and the opposite is true, that environment will likely reinforce them.
My own feeling about much (though not all) of the criticism that we exchange is that it is often, at least mildly, punishing in nature. The sad truth is, whether or not we mean to punish the other person, they often feel punished when criticized. Rarely do people make changes that resonate within them at a deep level just by punishing the symptom.
Another example of this philosophy is in our practice of medicine in the West. Again, don't get me wrong and think I'm saying that Western medicine is "bad" in any way. What I will say, though, is that hospital medicine alone tends to have a bias toward addressing symptoms only - if you are depressed take an anti-depressant, if you have pain take this pain medication. Our most common treatments of cancer utilize cancer-causing agents, and the recurrence of cancers is simliar to the re-incarceration of individuals in the prison system. There are other styles of healing that can work hand in hand with these symptomatic approaches, styles which endeavor to treat the root of the problem. If you're depressed, let's see if there is anything psychologically, nutritionally, or environmentally that needs to change. Usually if these deeper causes are addressed, the symptom simply disappears.
When we are vexed by some pattern of behaviour in our partners, it can be easy to jump to worrying about how to fix the behaviour. What we often overlook is that whatever the behaviour is, it is meeting some deep need that they have (often unskillfully). To criticize the behaviour does nothing to meet the underlying need, and even if they accept our critique and decide to change, a new pattern may be adopted to take the old pattern's place (sometimes the new pattern is simply festering resentment of the critiquing partner).
Lift-Ups and Put-Downs
In my work as a spiritual educator for children, I was recently reading an exercise from a Unitarian curriculum, where they proposed to teach the children the practice of "lift-ups." These are statements like "I appreciate Johnny because he's always cheerful." The interesting thing about this practice is that they compared it with the concept of a "put-down," and noted the difference in the terminology. When you put someone down, energetically, they start to feel low. But when you praise them, it can feel like they've been literally "raised" up.
Many yogis and masters of energy cultivation have noticed that we can bless or curse others with our speech. When we blame another, it "puts-down" their energy, when we criticize it does the same thing. On the other hand, when we shine our gratitude toward another, they often feel lifted up.
What the qigong masters tell us is that these feelings in another are actual energetic phenomena. When you give the gift of your gratitude, you are actually shining a type of subtle energy to the other person and they feel as if they've truly been blessed. The wonderful thing is that the giver of gratitude also gets to feel the blessing of the energy that is shining through him or her.
In the ancient schools of yogic relationship, it is said that one of the major reasons to practice a yogic intimacy is so that you can each empower each other's energy body, and thus come to a higher state of realization. My beloved and I call this "enlightenment leap-frog". The leap-frog element is because sometimes I feel abundant in energy and can use that positive light I feel to bless her. Receiving that blessing, she then becomes abundant in energy as well, and can bless me - raising my vibrational body up to an even higher level. This process goes back and forth - ultimately resulting in massive spiritual and energetic growth for both members of the intimate union.
Constructive Criticism
So a question that now might come up is, "But is there such a thing as 'Constructive' criticism?" I think the answer is yes. The code, I feel, is in the phrasing "constructive." If I wish to give my partner some feedback that I think she'll find useful in her process of growth and development, I first ask myself "Will this sharing be additive to her life? Will the way I'm about to say this help her to feel lifted up, or will it help her to feel put down?" If I truly think that the feedback will function for her as a blessing, there are a few best practices that I've been taught, which attempt to phrase the feedback skillfully.
1. Speak from your experience, rather than infinite wisdom
It's often much more meaningful and receivable to hear about what you yourself feel, rather than WHAT IS SO. If I tell my partner, "I find myself preferring an hour alone for spiritual practice in the morning" this might be hard to receive if she wanted to spend that time together, but it's much easier to hear than "people don't need to spend EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY together" or worse yet, "You really need to work on your dependency issues."
2. Point to specific incidents
Avoid using the terms "always" or "never" and instead just speak about the specific moment that is troubling you. Vagueness around some "pattern" you notice in your partner doesn't always give them anything to really work with, but speaking about what happened on Friday at 5pm can really get the point across in a scientific, rather than emotional way. Just to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing our feelings and emotions, but when we present the evidence of our claims mixed in with our emotional interpretations, this can be the beginning of a very powerful argument and a game of "who's right?" When we point to specific incidents, on the other hand, with an attitude of exploring together, amazing conversations can ensue.
3. You can make requests without criticism at all
This is perhaps the most important thing I've ever learned. You can ask for what you need without there needing to be anything wrong with what your partner is doing. So often I hear people needing to construct a long argument about how "you never like to give me physical affection and you can be so aloof, I think you're out of touch with your emotions and I don't know that that's healthy..." when they could just say "would you be willing to hold my hand more?"
At least in the early stages of relationship, most partners are eager to make their beloved happy. That's probably why they're in relationship with you in the first place, because they like to see you happ and they enjoy being the cause of that happiness. It can be very surprising what happens if you just open up to asking for what you want.
4. Use the "praise sandwich"
Often times, criticism goes down easier when it is surrounded by praise. If we just tell someone what is lacking (even if it is very true that it is lacking), it can sometimes feel like all we do is focus on what's wrong, and that can be very draining. When we accentuate the positive before we give criticism, it's not like we are trying to "soften the blow." We can think of it more like tuning the energy of our communication toward lifting up, and lessening the possibility of someone feeling "put down."
To make a praise sandwich, think of our constructive feedback as the meat, tofu, portobello mushroom, or whatever kind of "hearty" filling goes in the middle. Then put a slice of praise bread on the beginning, and another on the end.
It might go something like this:
"When we spend time together on Friday nights, I love the sense of connection I feel with you. I do, though, sometimes feel stressed that it seems you have to check on work emails a lot during that time and I wonder if there's a way that we can carve out a time that is for just us. I ask this because I really value your presence and have been having a lot of fun together lately."
Another real-life example could be:
"I am SO grateful that you consistently do both of our dinner dishes. I wonder if you'd be willing to wipe down the counter top as part of your cleaning of the kitchen - that makes if feel even cleaner to me. It feels like such a gift to have a partner who does their part to keep our home clean!"
5. Try to come from the sense of shared purpose
Remember, if you are in relationship, you have a shared purpose. To a yogi, the purpose of intimate relating is spiritual growth and service of others. If you can keep in mind that you are in this together, and you have a much bigger mission than just personal preferences, often this feeling of shared purpose makes every interaction feel that much more heart-centered and surrounded by an energy of love.
Using these tools has helped me personally feel more and more lifted up in my relationship and I hope they can for you too. This uplift seems to bleed over into every aspect of my life, my meditation, my service-work, and my personal happiness. Recognizing that we are here in partnerships to bless each other can be a magical key that unlocks a great wealth of subtle energy to fuel your deepest dreams!
Blessings and happy practicing!
Rev. Fa Jun
Saturday, January 12, 2013
The Power of Praise!
Welcome to our new blog on the topic of conscious, yogic intimacy!
For this initiatory post, I'd like to take up the topic of one of the most powerful fuels for a healthy relationship - Praise!
The inspiration for this post has come from Marya's and my recent attempt to deepen our understanding and facility with compassionate communication, non-violent communication, and the creation of emotional intimacy. What has happened with this intention to deepen is what often happens, in my experience - the moment we began to work toward deepening our OWN understanding, many beautiful friends began to come forth with brilliant questions and their own personal life experiences.
One of the big things that has arisen in the conversation is the recognition that in order to become a brilliant communicator (able to stay in the heart of compassion amidst the "storm", and also state your own needs clearly) one needs to practice! The challenge here is that when conflict arises, the principles of NVC (non-violent communication) or whatever system we are studying are often far from our mind. This principle is often emphasized in martial arts training - you must drill the physical and mental techniques over and over if you wish to have access to them in a time of need.
As Marya and I spoke about this, one of the things that we recognized has been very powerful for us has been to practice our compassionate communication model when conflict has NOT arisen. Simply put, we practice communication skills through praising each other.
This, for us, accomplishes what the discipline of Permaculture calls "stacking functions" - meaning that you do one thing, but it accomplishes many results. I was deeply inspired by a teaching from one of my Buddhist masters, who shared that in order for a relationship to stay healthy, it requires about 5 positive comments made to your partner each day - and if there is stress or conflict, that number goes up - because there needs to be a higher ratio of positive feedback than negative (even constructive) feedback. I personally took this as a challenge and decided to try to implement this teaching as a daily life-practice and have been astounded by the increase of joy in our already-joyful relationship.
What Marya has said is that even when a challenging topic does come up, it is as if the conflict is taking place within a greater environment of love - so we don't get to stressed out, or caught up in our stories. Lately we've been working on being more specific with our praise, and using the offering of our happiness as a chance to practice specific communication skills.
Ok, so how to go about using praise to practice a model of conscious and compassionate communication with an intimate partner (or anyone else)? First, I'd like to borrow from Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication terminology and offer forth their model of Feelings, Observations, Needs, and Requests. To remember all of these stages, I just think "I'd like to praise or compliment my partner OF(te)N(e)R ('oftener' as in "more often")".
First is Observations: What is an observation? Well, basically, this means a statement about some specific behavior or event. In terms of a compliment, rather than saying "you're so beautiful", an observation says something like "looks like you really spent time getting ready for our date".
Next comes Feelings: Feelings means basically - what's happening in your realm of sensations/emotions? So, "when I notice how you've taken the time to get dressed up I feel...." then just say whatever you feel: happy, ecstatic, aroused, tingly, nervous, etc. Simply put, this is a chance to really become aware of what is going on inside of you and to SHARE that with your beloved one. Even going to just this step is often much more than we usually do, and it can contribute a lot of juice to our shared reality in a partnership.
One thing we have to watch out for here, though, is the danger of confusing an evaluation for a feeling. An evaluation means an assumption about what the other person intends - and even in a point of praise, or a compliment, this can actually take away from intimacy. An evaluation stated as a feeling could look like "When I see how dressed up you got, I feel like you're really looking forward to this date we're going on." Can you see how this is actually a statement of what we are imagining about the other person, rather than what we are feeling in our own body?
Instead, we might say "when I see how dressed up you got, I feel excited, and I'm wondering if you're excited about the date too?". If you'd like to look at some examples of feelings, check out this great gift from communication master Scott Catamas
http://lovecoachscott.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Feelings_Emotions-1.pdf
After feelings comes a statement of Needs: If conflict is arising, this is often where we explain some of what we are feeling in relation to what our needs are - thus letting a person even deeper into our experience. Needs are things like the need for companionship, the need for shelter, the need for purpose, the need to be valued. Again from Scott, here's a great list of Universal Human Needs and Values
http://lovecoachscott.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/UNIVERSAL_HUMAN_NEEDS-2.pdf .
What we need to be careful of here is confusing our needs for our preferences. I have a need to be understood, but I have a preference that you understand me. When we are giving someone positive feedback, or an expression of love, we can also express our needs or what we value in our lives. So, continuing our example above, we might say "When I see how much effort you put into getting ready for our date, I feel excited, because I really value companionship and having fun together."
You may be noticing how all of these steps place a big emphasis on your OWN experience, rather than saying things like "you look nice" "I can tell you are excited about tonight", or "you make me so happy when we spend time together". There's a reason for this self-referential focus - and that reason is that emotional intimacy is a process of UNVEILING the more we show a beloved what is in our heart ("I feel happy when you smile at me that way"), the closer we become. If we want to create an experience of closeness in our relations, the BEST thing we can do is learn the art of self-revelation.
Finally comes Requests: I may not be following the NVC(tm) model here, not sure, but I am going to state that in an expression of praise, you don't need to necessarily make a request. Of course, one great way to make requests is to make them based off of a positive observation ("I really liked the way you held my hand yesterday - would you like to hold my hand on more of our walks???"). Where I find requests to be most valuable personally is when a need is not being met, rather than when we are celebrating a need that has been met. This is totally revelatory, in my experience... life can often be as simple as saying "would you be willing to do the dishes?" but we so often feel the need to dive into assessments, criticisms, and judgements as ornaments to our requests - perhaps because we've had our needs rejected so often in the past. It's a big and amazing topic, we can learn more about requests in a future post!
So, there it is - the OFNR model adapted to praising according to Rev. Fa Jun's experience :) I hope that this inspires you to start praising OF(te)N(e)R than ever before!!!
To practice, it's sometimes easiest to start in your imagination - just think about scenarios where you might want to give your partner some nourishing, positive feedback about how happy you feel. Then, dive right in and try it! Don't worry if it feels a little like something out of a book at first - like anything new, you grow facility with it over time. Soon, you can get to a level where you've integrated the model completely and can move beyond it into unexplored and wonderful realms.
Once you think you've got the model in you, try saying at least 5 sweet things every day to your partner - using Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. See if it doesn't create MAGIC!
For this initiatory post, I'd like to take up the topic of one of the most powerful fuels for a healthy relationship - Praise!
The inspiration for this post has come from Marya's and my recent attempt to deepen our understanding and facility with compassionate communication, non-violent communication, and the creation of emotional intimacy. What has happened with this intention to deepen is what often happens, in my experience - the moment we began to work toward deepening our OWN understanding, many beautiful friends began to come forth with brilliant questions and their own personal life experiences.
One of the big things that has arisen in the conversation is the recognition that in order to become a brilliant communicator (able to stay in the heart of compassion amidst the "storm", and also state your own needs clearly) one needs to practice! The challenge here is that when conflict arises, the principles of NVC (non-violent communication) or whatever system we are studying are often far from our mind. This principle is often emphasized in martial arts training - you must drill the physical and mental techniques over and over if you wish to have access to them in a time of need.
As Marya and I spoke about this, one of the things that we recognized has been very powerful for us has been to practice our compassionate communication model when conflict has NOT arisen. Simply put, we practice communication skills through praising each other.
This, for us, accomplishes what the discipline of Permaculture calls "stacking functions" - meaning that you do one thing, but it accomplishes many results. I was deeply inspired by a teaching from one of my Buddhist masters, who shared that in order for a relationship to stay healthy, it requires about 5 positive comments made to your partner each day - and if there is stress or conflict, that number goes up - because there needs to be a higher ratio of positive feedback than negative (even constructive) feedback. I personally took this as a challenge and decided to try to implement this teaching as a daily life-practice and have been astounded by the increase of joy in our already-joyful relationship.
What Marya has said is that even when a challenging topic does come up, it is as if the conflict is taking place within a greater environment of love - so we don't get to stressed out, or caught up in our stories. Lately we've been working on being more specific with our praise, and using the offering of our happiness as a chance to practice specific communication skills.
Ok, so how to go about using praise to practice a model of conscious and compassionate communication with an intimate partner (or anyone else)? First, I'd like to borrow from Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication terminology and offer forth their model of Feelings, Observations, Needs, and Requests. To remember all of these stages, I just think "I'd like to praise or compliment my partner OF(te)N(e)R ('oftener' as in "more often")".
First is Observations: What is an observation? Well, basically, this means a statement about some specific behavior or event. In terms of a compliment, rather than saying "you're so beautiful", an observation says something like "looks like you really spent time getting ready for our date".
Next comes Feelings: Feelings means basically - what's happening in your realm of sensations/emotions? So, "when I notice how you've taken the time to get dressed up I feel...." then just say whatever you feel: happy, ecstatic, aroused, tingly, nervous, etc. Simply put, this is a chance to really become aware of what is going on inside of you and to SHARE that with your beloved one. Even going to just this step is often much more than we usually do, and it can contribute a lot of juice to our shared reality in a partnership.
One thing we have to watch out for here, though, is the danger of confusing an evaluation for a feeling. An evaluation means an assumption about what the other person intends - and even in a point of praise, or a compliment, this can actually take away from intimacy. An evaluation stated as a feeling could look like "When I see how dressed up you got, I feel like you're really looking forward to this date we're going on." Can you see how this is actually a statement of what we are imagining about the other person, rather than what we are feeling in our own body?
Instead, we might say "when I see how dressed up you got, I feel excited, and I'm wondering if you're excited about the date too?". If you'd like to look at some examples of feelings, check out this great gift from communication master Scott Catamas
http://lovecoachscott.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Feelings_Emotions-1.pdf
After feelings comes a statement of Needs: If conflict is arising, this is often where we explain some of what we are feeling in relation to what our needs are - thus letting a person even deeper into our experience. Needs are things like the need for companionship, the need for shelter, the need for purpose, the need to be valued. Again from Scott, here's a great list of Universal Human Needs and Values
http://lovecoachscott.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/UNIVERSAL_HUMAN_NEEDS-2.pdf .
What we need to be careful of here is confusing our needs for our preferences. I have a need to be understood, but I have a preference that you understand me. When we are giving someone positive feedback, or an expression of love, we can also express our needs or what we value in our lives. So, continuing our example above, we might say "When I see how much effort you put into getting ready for our date, I feel excited, because I really value companionship and having fun together."
You may be noticing how all of these steps place a big emphasis on your OWN experience, rather than saying things like "you look nice" "I can tell you are excited about tonight", or "you make me so happy when we spend time together". There's a reason for this self-referential focus - and that reason is that emotional intimacy is a process of UNVEILING the more we show a beloved what is in our heart ("I feel happy when you smile at me that way"), the closer we become. If we want to create an experience of closeness in our relations, the BEST thing we can do is learn the art of self-revelation.
Finally comes Requests: I may not be following the NVC(tm) model here, not sure, but I am going to state that in an expression of praise, you don't need to necessarily make a request. Of course, one great way to make requests is to make them based off of a positive observation ("I really liked the way you held my hand yesterday - would you like to hold my hand on more of our walks???"). Where I find requests to be most valuable personally is when a need is not being met, rather than when we are celebrating a need that has been met. This is totally revelatory, in my experience... life can often be as simple as saying "would you be willing to do the dishes?" but we so often feel the need to dive into assessments, criticisms, and judgements as ornaments to our requests - perhaps because we've had our needs rejected so often in the past. It's a big and amazing topic, we can learn more about requests in a future post!
So, there it is - the OFNR model adapted to praising according to Rev. Fa Jun's experience :) I hope that this inspires you to start praising OF(te)N(e)R than ever before!!!
To practice, it's sometimes easiest to start in your imagination - just think about scenarios where you might want to give your partner some nourishing, positive feedback about how happy you feel. Then, dive right in and try it! Don't worry if it feels a little like something out of a book at first - like anything new, you grow facility with it over time. Soon, you can get to a level where you've integrated the model completely and can move beyond it into unexplored and wonderful realms.
Once you think you've got the model in you, try saying at least 5 sweet things every day to your partner - using Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests. See if it doesn't create MAGIC!
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