The ancient yogis of Tibet propose that perhaps the greatest yoga we can perform is the art of "exchanging self and others."
There are many beautiful practices that come under this heading, but one of the simplest is just to "put yourself in the other's place."
What is so powerful about empathy? To me, empathy is a true expression of what is meant by the word compassion. Literally, the Latin roots mean "to be with suffering" (com - with, passion - suffering). In one sense this points out the truth many of us know - that somehow, when we suffer together, it makes the pain somehow less, or easier to bear than if we suffered alone. In a way, knowing that someone else is there with our suffering allows us to step back and take perspective on it. Of course, we are still in pain - but now we are not only the pain. We can create some space around it.
Perhaps this is why "the talking cure" of psychotherapy has been found to be effective for many mental and emotional issues. Just getting in touch with the root of the emotion can be so healing - bringing the powerful balm of presence to the wounds we experience in the heart. Often, we are not able to create presence for our own pain, so we need someone else there to do it with us, and model it for us. This is the power of empathy.
In a partnership, there are many chances to practice this powerful form of healing, and they often show up in the places where we'd least expect them to - during times of conflict.
A great teacher of communication has said that in everything anyone ever says, they are always only saying "please" or "thank you." They are either requesting something, or offering gratitude - but sometimes it comes in highly disguised forms. In a partnership, it can be hard to hear these two expressions, because the alchemical cauldron we're living in makes it so that emotions can run strong. Many times, a partner can fall into using "you" language - which makes it sound like they just want you to admit that you are wrong in some way, rather than gain your empathy, or get your help with the hurt they are feeling.
The deep truth is that any expression of pain in a relationship, even if it's a finger-pointing type of expression, is a crying for some deep human need to be met. This is true even if, or perhaps especially when, the partner expressing pain is not aware of their need.
In order to be effective empathizers, we must become very literate in the realm of human needs and longings. It is only when we are deeply in touch with what beings need to thrive that we will be able to feel what our partner or friend may be needing - so that we can try to give it to them, or mourn with them if we cannot provide it.
Empathy is not a practice of saying "I'm sorry." This really does nothing to heal whatever the other person is feeling. "I'm sorry that happened to you" is really just as empty. A simple question like "are you feeling sad because I didn't give you my full attention when you were talking to me?" can often bring deep emotional healing - even if your guess is wrong. It can bring such healing because you are turning the light of your presence onto the other person. "Are you angry about the way you were treated at work today?" can show the person you are really curious about what is alive in their heart, and that you want to be with them.
Some might come to feel or realize that the deepest human need is simply a need for this presence. In cases of severe pain due to neglect, some individuals might even seek out abuse - because at least then they are receiving attention. We can do better than that. We can feel so deeply into the needs and longings of our partners or friends that old wounds begin to heal, the heart begins to become full, and miraculous things are possible - all with the power of empathy.
It's not an easy practice by any means, but it is well worth the effort!
