Around the same period I read something about how the discipline of rebirthing was developed by Leonard Orr. As I remember it, he described his experience of bathing in a hot pool that had signs warning people not to stay too long in the heat. Well, he was sitting there and feeling safe, but starting to notice strange sensations arising in his body, and the vague impulse to get out, do something else. He had the thought "what if I just stay." Staying proved to be what began the process of unlocking an amazing body-mind practice that many people utilize to discover and integrate deep feelings and inspirations.
I guess the point here for me is this: When do I feel like it's time to stop and move onto the next activity, and why? Of course, sometimes our impulse to stop is a very valuable one - like when the stomach is full after a good meal, or when we've had enough sleep. At other times, though, it can be good to question the impulse to change to a new activity. It is for this reason that many people will hire a trainer for their physical exercise - because by ourselves, we don't know exactly how far we can go, and how far it is safe to push.
One of the biggest places that we can observe the transformation threshold experience is in intimate relationships. There is a natural process that happens after about 6-9 months of relating where the hormones just kind of wear off and you are left with whatever actual intimacy you were able to create beyond the biological push to mate. This is about how much time that body judges is appropriate to ensure impregnation and therefore survival of the species. Oddly, sometimes it isn't just biological sex drives that attract us to another person, but this pattern plays itself out in many relationships.
I'm sure that in some relationships, the wearing off of brain chemicals that enforce mating activities is a good thing - because the person you are with was never partner material. In other cases, though, you may give up on one of the most fabulous potential mates simply because "you lost that loving feeling". It can be very disconcerting when the sex drive that starts a relationship slacks off, or when the motivation to spend time together doesn't seem as present as it was. This is the time where one or both partners my begin reconsidering if "this is a good idea".
The wonderful gift about even knowing that such a thing as a transformation threshold exists is that you can look deeply and honestly at these decisions. Rather than a confusing time of wondering why the relationship is lacking spark, or you are feeling irritable, you can recognize that you have reached a moment where you can consider if a deeper level of intimacy is available and calling to you.
In my own current relationship, I was able to notice this moment arising and state my needs for deeper intimacy to my partner. I could feel that we were reaching a moment of decision, and we could either spiral deeper together, or spiral out and apart. In the relationship that led me to that breakthrough book, I was forced to evaluate my habitual tendency just to make a change when things got hard. I learned that sometimes it's more valuable to work through the challenge.
Of couse, that 6/9month mark is not the only transformation threshold in a relationship, just perhaps the most common - because it is biological. The rest will likely be unique to you. It is so amazing to me that, having learned this about relationship, I've seen how it applies to my work, my meditation practice, and every other aspect of life. It appears that the old phrase "it's darkest just before the dawn" really does apply. In meditation, in work, in school, and in relationship - just because things seem to be falling apart does not mean that you're doing anything wrong - it may mean just the opposite, that you are doing things exactly right.
This is similar to how the concept of the sound barrier was developed. During World War II, many pilots began to notice significant problems with being able to accelerate to high speeds - their propellors or wings might come apart, or they might not be able to pull out of dives. One solution might just be not to fly so fast - another solution was to put in the work to develop the jet engine and take things supersonic!
So, how do we gauge then? If we can't always count on the feelings of pleasure or displeasure we are feeling to give us the honest truth about our decisions, what can we count on?
In my experience, each of us has a deep intuitive knowing within that we can call on in any moment (ok, sometimes we can only access it in our better moments). This knowing, if you can tap into it, seems to transcend whether we like what it's telling us or not. Your intuition may tell you to stay even when things seem dire, or to go even when the seas are smooth. I've found it important to learn to trust this inner compass.
I've also needed to learn to live by vow rather than by other measures. What does this mean? It means that I have found a personal code of ethics that works for me, and this code is the standard to which I hold my actions. The main idea of my personal code is to be of benefit to all beings (including myself). With any question, I can apply this test - would staying with this person benefit all beings more, or would leaving? Would taking this job benefit all beings more, or would letting it go? You have to let your intuition answer, because of course we can never know the ultimate outcome of any choice - but many times just asking in this way can pierce through the confusion that inevitably comes when taking the journey of self-transformation.
Where are your transformation thresholds right now? What are you considering breaking up with that might turn into deep magic on just the other side of this challenge. You are on a hero's quest, and there are many dragons that need to be faced down and defeated. I pray you face them with courage!
