Transcending Karma (Sutras on Longing vol 8)

Transcending Karma

Karma is no more complicated that cause and effect.

But you see, if you’re all wrapped up in the causes and the effects, you either get dragged down by the ball-and-chain of the past, or uprooted by the ephemerality of the future.  In either case, you are dancing with fictions.  

The miraculous blessing bestowed by real love is that it immediately halts your seeking.  Whenever we’re worried about our past or future lives, whenever we are desperately trying to manage our relationships so that they will somehow work out for the best, we’re all wrapped up in stories and self-concerns, which keep us from the ability to open.

It’s not a bad idea to understand how cause and effect works.  I mean, how can you really love someone if everything you do is random, accidental, unskillful?  It’s not a matter of “getting into the present moment” where you’re sort of an empty-headed-trance-zombi - how could that be compassionate?  How is that an integration or a transcendence?  I thought we agreed to stop trying to hide.  Sinking into unconsciousness is definitely a form of hiding, no matter whether you call it the “present moment”, or “trans-karma”, or anything else.

But if you take caring as a gateway to presence, you’ve slipped the door-guard of unconsciousness.  Somehow there is a “present moment” center of perspective that does not deny the past and future, but includes and transcends them.  Somehow you are aware of the impact of your actions, of the deep meaningfulness of your every thought and word, but you are not tied down and concretized by them.  Who you are becomes a being of vast awareness, that can somehow sense the most caring way to behave.  You are like a master baseball player, who can hit better when he doesn’t analyze it, but lets go and just swings on through. 

They say that for one who has opened their heart to its full potential, the workings of karma are revealed all on their own.  At that time it’s not a matter of thinking about it, thinking would be like a human devolving to a pre-human species.  If you’ve reached the point of embodied loving-kindness, you’re done reaching, you are ready to have something reach through you.

It is said that we must be the eyes and hands of the Divine in this world.  Divinity is totally beyond form, because it is the total knowledge of the implicit unity of all things and beings.  You and I are not like this.  We are not like this and that’s not a problem. Not only is it not a problem, it  is in fact ART, it is SEX, it is BEAUTY.  

Some of us don’t like so much to hear this next part, but it is only the yearning of divinity to know herself that causes all the pain in the world, and it is this same yearning that causes all the bliss.  Somewhere in the very centre of these extremes is a kind of richness.  Somewhere in that undefined and undefinable centre-point, is God-AS-Form, dancing with herself as “other”.  

It is a paradox.

You have two choices, on being confronted by this paradox.  One is to reject it, because it doesn’t quite fit into the logical mind-box that comforts you.  The other is to transcend conventional logic, and peer directly into a higher-order of reality.  

This is not nearly as mystic-unattainable as it sounds.  Some people have had a child.  Later, they chalk the ecstasy up to some endorphine-rush made by “nature” to get you to bond with the baby.  The mystic knows, though, that this is just a way of “talking yourself down” after seeing God face to face.  

The old Book says that no one can see the face of God and live.  Meaning that your concepts of yourself have got to perish.  

But sometimes we can handle it by just forgetting who we saw, going a little unconscious.  We can faint a little bit, and then the radical change doesn’t have to take place.  “What happened?  Did I black out?”

When a parent first falls in love with their child, they see Reality for a split second.  They know that they are not “different beings” with “me” over here, and “them” over there.  That’s ME over there!  In fact, that being is MORE IMPORTANT than this one I’ve been calling “me” for so long.  

This knowing is not very broad, and not necessarily enduring, but it is a taste of the pure nectar of REALITY, which completely goes beyond what one can think oneself into with just the mind.  

Love is made of this paradox, but it doesn’t stop at a single glimpse of reality.  It keeps growing and taking more and more of Life into it’s care.  In any single instant it is like love asks not only “how can I best serve this being in front of me” (Knowing them as my own other face, my very own self arising as “other”), but also, “how can I contribute to the greatest well being for as many of my other selves as possible?”, and even “what is my most authentic gift right now?”

Trying to answer these questions with the rational mind takes so long that by the time the decision is made, it is already the wrong one.  it would be like a martial arts master who paused to think about what defense might work in the midst of receiving a barrage of punches and kicks.  By the time it’s been thought, it’s no longer appropriate.

Fortunately, the heart can do all these calculations as quantum speed - so long as we have practiced getting out of the way.

It’s not that we forget about karma, cause and effect: “oh, that was a stupid idea believing in that, I was so childish”.  More, it is that we have learned enough of it that now the process is one of unlearning.  Getting out of love’s way.  It’s not a process of adding rules onto oneself

Rules can become like chains, creating a comforting feeling of weight that let’s you know “you” are still there.

Rather than chains, you can practice with the rules to get accustomed to the Reality toward which they point.  Once you see that Reality, it’s just a matter of making yourself more and more transparent to it.  A child who has internalized the feeling of comfort and security does not need to drag a special blanket around anymore.

Have you reached your edge? (Sutras on Longing vol 7)

Have you reached your edge?

Love is not fucking around.

This is not the kind of answer that makes you feel good while you are in the feel-good seminar and then leaves you hanging when you are back home in front of your TV.

This is the kind of answer that makes you feel good while it is ripping you apart.

Love will not make the pain go away, it will not even make it recede for an instant.

The lover feels every pain more sharply.

But she does not recoil.  She does not ever feel powerless, meaningless, insignificant.  When you are love, you are willing to live at your edge.

Don’t mistake me here.  This is not about extreme sports.  This is not about martyrdom.  This is not about codependent relationships.  This is not about the kind of burn out you felt in your last job.  That shit is all too familiar.  We’re talking about the kind of edge which never feels familiar, by the time it does, you’ve already moved past it.

It’s not some kind of “push push push” thing.  We don’t have time for your self-hatred.  The world is fucking suffering and you are masturbating your mind away hating yourself?  It feels terrible but you still do it.  Why?  Because it’s comfortable.  As long as you’re hating yourself, then at least you are real.

The edge that love calls you to may feel like a cliff.  You may feel that if you take anymore into your heart, it will burst.  That if you allow yourself to care for one. more. living. being. you will collapse from the pain of it.  But you don’t collapse, and you don’t fall off the cliff.  This is the kind of edge that when you reach it, it gets a little farther away.  Your heart gets bigger the more it is used.

If you rush, you can trip yourself and fall to your death.  Love has no place for your ambition.  Never exclude yourself from your own heart.  If you can embrace yourself while embracing all beings, you can walk to that cliff and stand there, taking in the joy, the pain, the longing, the exultation, the misery, and you can be wide enough, balanced enough to encompass it.  

If you are worried about safety, love cannot find you.  

Safety is the most dangerous choice you can ever make

Of course you must eat good foods and avoid getting hit by busses.  Of course you must use a turn signal and check your blind-spot.  Perhaps even steer clear of dark alleys.  Don’t even swim until 30 minutes after your meal for goodness sake.  Of course you will take these precautions - you ARE LOVE.

But if you are trying to ultimately save yourself, you will always fail.  Life is coming to get you.  The longer you run, the more painful it is.  Your own pain, and the pain of all living beings is waiting for you, biding its time.  Why not face the music now?

Spoiler alert, I know how it ends.  The bogeyman of the world’s pain catches up to you eventually and you suffer.  Hey, don’t blame me, you knew it was coming, you knew it from the marrow of your bones.  But there’s an alternate ending - the one that the censors didn’t approve - Plot twist:  Child turns to face monster and somehow starts to GROW.  Don’t worry, it doesn’t get boring, because the monster grows too.

Pan out and the scene shows child and monster continuing to outdo each other until the fade out and the credits.  The implication here is that this will go on and on, at least until the sequel.

The coolest part is that eventually the child and the monster get tired of fighting.  They decide to become sparring partners instead.  Because you see, if the child ever overcame the monster, her purpose would be over.  And similarly if the monster got to eat the child.  HOW BORING.  No one’s going to watch this show. 

You’re waiting for the day that you’ll be big enough to handle what life throws at you.  You are praying for boredom, but you are growth.  You will always sabotage this prayer, it can never succeed.  God doesn’t let you invoke your own suffering for long, it is not in her nature.  

The lover’s mission is not to “be open” but to Open.  Not to “have grown”, but to Grow.  This is dynamic, you are a verb trying to be a noun and it just isn’t working.  Growth, Dynamism, Openness, these are not couch-potato comfortable, they are rich and alive, and they are your true home.  Who puts a potato on the couch?  What good can it do there?  Put it in the dirt, or in the oven, or in your mouth, let it live its purpose.

If you hold back from living at the edge of openness, part of your heart will remain untouched.  This part of you mourns for lack of love, it needs your presence, it needs you to step forth and embrace, embrace deeper, and then when you think you have embraced all you can, embrace more.  In embracing your heart, you embrace your own being.  You become an elite athlete, always testing the limits, and some days it feels like hell.  But you push on, because you know that on some days you transcend your limits.  Some days you forget what you knew was impossible and you soar in the fucking sky.  You are on the ultimate runner’s high.

You take the pendulum swing between soaring and being sore and you call that business home.  This treacherous edge is the safest place you can be in life - you’ve escaped the only danger that can truly hurt you - the possibility that you’ll close your heart.

When you live this way, at your edge, you can die with peace.  If there’s any single thing that should not be left in you, spend it now, you don’t know how long you’ve got.  What are you waiting for?  Strive to end this life completely spent - like a lover who has spent the night with a powerful sexual foe lies exhausted in bliss in the morning.  Ride your edge like this.

Have you felt the longing? (Sutras on Longing vol 1)

Have you felt the longing?

Some days it feels like there’s a hole in your heart.

Others, just a nagging, as if something remains undone.

Many jump to find the next job.

Some think a new sexual position will do the trick.

Some of us try to fill that hole with a child

Others with an upgrade to our car.

One day the longing tells you that a deeper love is possible - you have not even tasted a fraction of the potential for love

And so you leave your mate in search of the depth you know is out there

Another day the nagging tells you you are not doing what you were made for, something about this home, this job, this life isn’t…quite….right….

And you apply for a Master’s degree.

But it never fills the void.

This void, this longing cannot be filled by a child, or a Master’s degree, not by iPhone version 2453, nor by any sexual position ever known.

There’s a reason that you are still not fulfilled.  A reason that no matter how long you’ve looked for your purpose, or your soul mate, or the life of your dreams, something’s still missing.

A deeper love IS possible.  It is YOUR love.  You are not looking for something that you get, but for something that you give.

It’s like the old adage says - “the thing you are searching for is the one who’s doing the searching!”  It’s not that you need to try to look backward in your own head to see your own seeing or something.  It’s not that you are supposed to be celibate because your true mate is within you.  It is just that when you give from the heart, the void is already filled.

You do have a destiny, and maybe you aren’t doing what you are made for.  Because you were made for love.  You were made to love beyond all limits of what you think is possible.  And you were made to revel in this and rejoice with all your heart.

Only then will you finally release longing.  Only then will you truly know you are living a life with nothing left undone.

Stuck in the Bardo....with you

One of my favorite spiritual teachers once said:
"if you keep experiencing the same thing over and over, then you are stuck in the Bardo"

The Bardo is Buddhist language for the intermediate phase between death in one incarnation, and birth in the next.  Classically, this is described as an experience specifically related to life, death, and what comes inbetween - but many practitioners have noted how well this concept applies to every day of our lives.

It is said that after the body dies, the person experiences a series of intense hallucinations.  Images of wrathful and terrifying form arise that make the wandering soul recoil in fear.  Images of beauty and lust cause the confused spirit to grasp with desire.  The trick, though, is that all these images are projections of the wandering being's own mind.  The failure to recognize the origin of these tantalizing and terrifying illusions, they say, is what forces us to take on rebirth again and again.

When I think on this, I'm struck by how relevant it is to the practice of conscious interrelating.  Have you ever noticed that the same patterns seem to keep emerging in your life?

As a practitioner, I have noticed this in myself, and as a coach, I get to hear about it a lot.  Oddly, it seems that my clients might try all sorts of affirmations, exercise routines, new dating sites, and the like, and yet still get the same ol' results.  I think that I've seen people only getting the same results through these methods because they fail to grasp the fundamental insight "It's not you, it's me".

It can be very difficult to stop seeing the world outside ourselves as a solid thing, coming 100% from "out there" - and yet, if we can pause from that external projection, we can gain powerful insight that will change our whole life.  It is said that the Bardo is one of the places where - with training - a yogi can recognize the true nature of her Mind, and can transcend the suffering style of life we've grown so used to.  What is this training like?  First is being able to observe "I want to run away, that's a SCARY MONSTER!" or "I wanna get a piece of that fine hottie over there!"  Notice these impulses and be able to pause from acting on them - don't believe what the mind wants to tell you.  Then, recognize "Oh wait, scary monster, I'm sorry... it's not you, it's ME!"  They say that the results of practicing in this way are like learning to Lucid Dream - all of a sudden you wake up and you are in control.  No, you haven't turned into a control freak... and you can still be pleasantly surprised, but all the stress gets removed because you realize that the reality which is appearing is something that you have always been a part of, cooperating.

Relationship, it seems, can be like a miniature Bardo, and seeing the same thing over and over can be a wake up call to look within yourself - the dreamer.  If your partner keeps looking like a scary monster, maybe it's time to stop running or fighting, but to simply recognize where the monster really came from.  If other people's partners keep looking like attractive gods and goddesses, perhaps the moment is ripe to not grasp at them, but look within and remember why you dreamed them.

If we can stop, and recognize the nature of what is arising, we have a chance to be liberated in this kind of Bardo.  Instead of throwing ourselves into the same kind of rebirth we've been seeing all along, we will "Level Up" planting a new dream by changing ourselves with knowledge.  When we see the alluring and terrifying illusions as the play of our own heart looking back to us, we become very concerned with the quality of that heart.  As Master Patanjali said in the Yoga Sutras: "when the images begin to torment you, sit down and work out the antidote."

When we understand this, then even though the monsters out there certainly look scary, and the deities sure are cute, we see that their nature is like a dream -  it is flexible, and ultimately our own responsibility.  It is only then that we can take a new adventure - an adventure into finding where the dream came from, what is possible, and how fun it could possibly be!

Happy dreaming fellow travelers.

Let your partner be your Qigong Master

The idea of being a "Qigong Master" has been on my mind a lot lately.

This is partially because I hold a certificate that says I AM a qigong master :)

As I expand my practice into serving more and more people with energetic therapies, I've been feeling deeper into the question of what exactly a Qigong Master DOES.  What is it that earns you this title of "Master"?  What is the best way to put that role and those skills into play?

The main thing that has come to me, during a few recent healing arts sessions, is that the role of a Qigong master is to be able to feel into the places that the recipient of healing is not even aware of him or herself, and to have a wider perspective on the nature of illness, life events, or emotions and their meaning.

What struck me the instant after this insight arose is that this is exactly the type of partner that I want to be... and also the type of partner I'd like to have.

I'm going to assume in this blog that readers are not merely interested in an intimate partnership that meets a certain selection of their needs in a fairly consistent way, but rather have an intuition that relationship could be something more.

I hear a lot of people speaking to the ideals that an intimate partner could somehow raise you up to the next level in your spiritual growth, that they could take you farther than you could go yourself.  And yet, I don't hear a lot of people raving about their success in this department.... and I don't think there's anything wrong with them or their partners - rather, it seems there are some very specific principles and skills that it would take to create this kind of relationship and have it succeed.  People are intuiting a very high level of relationship, something rare, and something which requires cultivation.

In considering what many of us want in relationship, it seemed that the metaphor of the role of the qigong master was a valid one.  We want someone who can sense inside of us what we are really needing and going through, we want someone who can guide us when we need it the most, who can be a stable presence during the storms we encounter in life.  In some cases this may be a wishful fantasy of a partner who could "read your mind" in order to give you what you want more consistently, but I think there is something deeper here.  You are not looking for a beloved who uses this ability just to coddle you and keep you from getting uncomfortable, you are looking for someone who can open you more than you've opened before - who can find the areas of your heart and life that are stuck, and begin to release them.

The missing element that we often don't notice, though, is trust.  It is one thing to want someone to be able to see into your heart and know you better than you know yourself, but when it comes down to it - that's a little disconcerting.  We have grown used to knowing who we are and that can be very hard to give up.  Perhaps this is why the "ego" in Sanskrit is called the "Ahamkara" which literally means the "i maker".  We love to make up this sense of "I" over and over.  It seems very secure to know who we are.

If we consider it, though, how accurate are we?  The ancient yogis and Buddhist masters would say that we are placing our trust in a fiction.  We think that we are some kind of fixed self that will never change or fall apart - but then reality comes along again and again and gives us a rude awakening.  Every year many of us will think that we can reach certain goals, only to be "disappointed in ourselves" when we don't.  If the "I" was the way we thought it was, we wouldn't have to be disappointed - we would have assessed our abilities correctly.  If the "I" was the way we thought, we could also get the mind to do what we ask it to.  We would not ever be "of two minds" about things because we would be a real, singular, "self".  The fact is that "I" does not exist in the way I seem to.  If we trust the vested interests of our egos to run our lives, we are doomed to stay stuck in the same patterns we have always circled in - even if you don't think that is suffering, it is at the very least boring.

To break loose from these patterns, we need a Guide.  We need someone with an outside perspective.  We can't just pick ANY guide though, we need a qualified one.  Many of us already know what happens when you pick an unqualified guide - we found out by listening to our friends' advice in high school, or by blindly following our parent's religion, or the religion of our consumer culture.  We cannot just trust and hope for the best.  The idea of calling someone a "master" doesn't mean that you get to surrender your critical thinking abilities completely - this idea has gotten many disciples into trouble with their "gurus".

When choosing someone to perform medical qigong or other healing modalities, we first want to check their references - did they go to school?  Do they have a valid lineage?  Have they had much clinical experience?  What is their teacher's reputation?  We might also want to see if their personality is a "fit".  Do we like the way they communicate?  Do their perspectives and insights seem to resonate?  Are they operating under a similar worldview to our own.  If these preliminary qualities match up, we may be able to give them a bit of our trust and open to them enough to receive a good treatment.

This too is a testing process.  Does the treatment work in the way they claim it will?  Do the intuitions they receive during the therapy match our own inner sense of things?  Do we find that over the long-term our health, mind, and life are improving?  If we can answer yes to these questions then it might be time to invest a significant amount of trust in a healer or guide.

How many of us do this with a partner?  I know that for myself and many people I know, the desire to have someone in our lives to share experiences with is so deep that we often fail to consider whether a potential mate has the skill-set, maturity, or experience to help take us where we want to go spiritually.  Is it any wonder, then, that we fail to develop the ability to surrender to them?  Should it surprise us that they "let us down"?  Do we have any choice but to remain closed to them?  Perhaps the fact that they fail to rise to the challenge of guiding us to greater openness and presence is  the natural result of our continued closure toward them, because we are uncertain that they can guide us masterfully?

If you find a candidate, you must test them, but then once you've tested them, you have to realize that their ability to be a "master" depends on you empowering them to be so.  In the Buddhist tradition it is said that if you devote yourself to a Teacher and they actually are not an enlightened being, it doesn't matter, because the energy of your devotion will call all enlightened qualities through them.  I think this speaks to the power we have in shaping the capacities of our partner.  The energy of trust is itself magical.  If you want a more trustable partner, you can start by finding places where you can practice trusting them.

It is likely that you chose them for a reason.  You chose them on some level because they can highlight the exact places where you need to grow.  Sometimes this is just through being a mirror to your subconscious blocks, but other times it is through direct instruction.  If empowered, your partner can come to know your heart better than you know your own.  They can come to see the blind spots that you will never be able to see.  And isn't this perhaps why we crave communion?  Could this be why so many of us have an intuition that partnership could be the path that leads us to greater growth and wholeness than we've ever felt before?

Can we become courageous enough to take the big leap of letting another lead our hearts?  Could we empower a loved one to show us what we have the potential to be?  This, I think is the promise of partnership, the promise of mastery.

a sermon on "have to", "can't", willingess, and capability

Excerpted from my Sunday Church service:

"I want to tell you a story today about smiling jackal.  Now jackals are always barking and sniping at each other… it’s the only way they know how to communicate.

Smiling Jackal, though, was different than his brothers and sisters.  When Mama Jackal would tell them to do something, they would growl and snarl and sometimes mama had to give them a little bite before they would do their chores.  Smiling Jackal would just smile and then do his chores.

Afterward though, smiling jackal would sneak outside, and the smile would slowly slip away.  He would run about, bark, howl, and snarl.  He would dig up the ground all around the plain by their den and he was very unhappy.

One day Giraffe was walking by while all this was happening.  “what ever is wrong?” asked giraffe.  “Mama Jackal is soooo mean” replied smiling Jackal.  “Why do you say that?” asked Giraffe.  “Because she makes me do things I don’t want to do!”  He snarled.

“So you’re feeling angry?” asked giraffe.  “YES!” Roared smiling jackal. “ Because you don’t want anyone to make you do things you don’t want to do?”  “THAT’S RIGHT!  I shouldn’t have to do anything I don’t choose to do!”  smiling jackal said.

“But you didn’t do anything you didn’t want to do” said Giraffe.  

“oh yes I did," said Smiling Jackal "I didn’t want to do the dishes, but I did them anyway!  She made me do it.” 

Giraffe replied:

“Smiling Jackal, no one can make you do what you don’t want to do.  It sounds to me like you wanted something else even more than you didn’t want to do your chores…. Can you think of what that would be?”

“errrrm….” Growled Smiling Jackal… “well, if I don’t do my chores, mamma will bite me, I don’t want her to bite me”

“Ok,” said Giraffe, “so you wanted safety more than you wanted to not do your chores?”

“I guess SO!” said Smiling Jackal.  “um… I also don’t want mamma to be angry at me, I want mamma to be happy and to cuddle me”

“wow!” said Giraffe, “so it sounds like you wanted love and harmony even more than you wanted to not do your chores.  Is that right?”

“it sounds right,” said smiling Jackal.  “I try to smile and be good so mamma will be happy, but then I feel SO angry afterward and I don’t know why”

“Well,” giraffe said, “even though you were smiling on the outside, it sounds like on the inside you thought someone was making you do something.  Nobody likes to be told what they have to do – usually they feel powerless and that makes them angry”

“I do feel powerless,” said smiling jackal, “even though I smile and go along with it,”

“And how do you feel when you think about how you chose to do your chores because your desire for safety, harmony, and affection were stronger than your desire for freedom and to make your own decisions?”

asked Giraffe.

“Well, now I feel sad, not angry.  Like, I still want to be able to make my own decisions, but now I see how I am not powerless, I am choosing the things that are most important to me.  I don’t like that I have to do my chores when someone else tells me I have to, but I understand that I choose to do them so that I can have harmony in the den.”

“Thank you friend Giraffe!” said smiling Jackal, and ran off to play.

Willing vs. Capable

So just like we learned in our story today, no one can make you do anything.  That means that you don’t have to do anything.  We choose to do things.  To certain extent, most of us only have to do a few things – like breathe.  Most of us are not capable of stopping our breath through volition alone like the great yogis can, but aside from breathing, there is little that we have to do.  Similar to "have to" is our relation to the word can’t.  Many of use have come to use can’t as a convenience and a form of politeness.  It just sounds nicer to say “I can’t come tonight, I’ve got soo much to do” than to say “I’m choosing to do other things this evening rather than spend time with you.”

        

When you’re capable, but not willing

On one level, this is just social nicety and short-hand, but I think it becomes a problem when we start to talk this way to ourselves.  If you really wanted to go out with your friend, but felt like the other activities were forcing you to stay home (I have to study tonight), you might start to feel frustrated and resentful.  On the other hand, if, on the inside, you remember that you are choosing to stay home because you want to fulfill certain needs or values that you hold, it might still feel sad, but the pain of resentment, powerlessness, are not a part of the story (“I am choosing to study because my value for learning, financial stability, and accountability are very important to me right now”).

         When we say “can’t” we are creating an illusion of powerlessness.  We are adopting an energetic stance that is actually not true.  You may not need to change your language on the outside if you aren’t experiencing any big relationship challenges, but changing it on the inside can significantly reduce your own angst.

        

When you’re willing, but not capable

Another important element to consider is whether others are willing or capable of meeting the requests we make of them.  Many times, when people respond to us with “I can’t”, what they really mean is “I choose not to”.  Sometimes though, people agree to things that they are not actually capable of.  I personally, in my heart of hearts, would love to work 8 hour days about 6 days per week, have a 4 hour a day meditation practice, get plenty of sleep, AND spend quality time with my partner.  Sadly, this is not currently an option because there is simply not enough time and mental energy available.  When I’ve tried to do this, I’ve gotten sick and depressed.  Perhaps it is a similar case when we ask a friend who is not yet emotionally intelligent to speak to us more kindly.  They might be willing to do so, but they may not be capable.

Letting go of resentment and attachment to a behavior – when someone isn’t capable of meeting our needs

         Perhaps this is the time to invoke the wisdom of an ancient song – “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need”.  We cannot get what we want from everyone we want it from, in the ways that we want it.  If we understand that sometimes people just aren’t capable, it can make it easier for us to let go of the intensity of our need for them to behave in a certain way, and also easier to release some of the disappointment or anger.  

         If a friend makes a ridiculous request of me that requires me to work extra hard, I might feel frustrated or angry at them for not doing their own share.  But my opinion might change if I find out they had a broken leg, were having a panic attack, or just got some very bad news.  My capacity to be of service, or at least to forgive, increases when I understand that another may not be capable of engaging with me in the way I hoped they would.

        

Letting go of resentment when people aren’t willing to meet our needs

Now the difficult work – can we let go of sadness and anger when a person simply isn’t willing?  This is where we must invoke the power of empathy.  They are saying they “can’t”, but we know that what they mean is that they are unwilling.  This doesn’t feel great when we are making a request for more affection, or for help of some kind when we think we need it the most.  But the more practice we have at accepting this possibility and loving another anyway, the less strain it will put on our own hearts.

It is possible for us to feel into what needs might be present for another that are making them unwilling to meet our needs in the way we want them to.  Please remember  that when you felt that you can’t in some situation, it is because you are actually meeting some other need or value that appears more important to you at the time.  Perhaps the person that is unwilling to respond positively to your request has other priorities that they are valuing right now.

If you can imagine the needs or values that the other person is meeting for him or herself, you can feel into their experience, love them, and forgive them – Even if you have to give yourself empathy for your own needs not being met in the way you wanted them to be.  Placing yourself in the other's shoes allows you to remain connected to them even if you are not getting the kind of love you might want.

Just in the way that in most cases you don’t have to do many of the things you tell yourself you do.  You will not perish if these specific requests aren’t met.  You’ve taken the power back to yourself.  Because of this, you will not feel the need to punish others for their unwillingness, but instead find ways to move toward what each of you IS willing to do from your sense of connection and nourishing life!"

Secret Engines

In every relationship – in every kind of relationship even – you have a mission statement.  Perhaps you were not aware of this.  Every time you get together with another being, you are signing up for something.  It may be as simple as signing up for enough communication for you to buy your pack of gum, and for him or her to not get fired.  In other cases, you’ve signed up for things with even higher stakes.

Sometimes we are aware of these mission statements present in our interactions, other times they bubble under the radar and exert a subtle influence on how you relate. 

These statements of purpose may be unknown to you, but they act as powerful forces that determine what potential is able to manifest in any given union.  Many traditions around the world feel that there is some power in prayer.  The ancient yogis often felt that the most powerful prayers had to do with your intentions.  If you intend to help others (or even yourself without harming anyone) some great power seems to be marshaled behind what you are doing.  The purpose that you are holding for your relationship – consciously or unconsciously – acts like a type of prayer, molding and shaping the way it will manifest.

In intimate relationships, many of the happiest people have found that holding an intention of being of service to their partner is the secret.  The longest lasting relationships you’ll find likely involve people who have come to understand that healthily putting the other’s needs in a primary position is the path to harmony.  Indeed, it has been argued that the only reason love feels so GOOD is that you lose yourself in thoughts of the other.  This selflessness, this form of ecstasy created by moving out of your own needs and into care is a sure-fire way to stay “in love” for a very long time.

I think, though, that there is even a further step that we can take.  In the realm of yoga and inner practice, having a relationship isn’t just about being happy (although that’s certainly important).  A yogi doesn’t consider whether or not to have a relationship with someone based on whether he or she would like to or not – the yogi decides based on how the relationship applies to his or her mission.  For some reason, every deep yogic practitioner I’ve ever met or heard of was filled with the fire of purpose.  They may say odd things like “there’s nothing to do, just rest in your original nature” – but their actions are usually accomplishing many things for the benefit of many beings.  In my small experience of meditative states, I have consistently experienced that the deep rest and insight which comes from moving through meditative levels always produces a vast feeling of love, and a clear sense of direction through which to make this love manifest.

When a yogi looks to enter intimate partnership, it is because the combined power of two is greater than the sum of each one that comes into the union.  Some magic happens in the giving away of oneself – nothing essential is ever lost, but in the giving, something magical seems to be gained.  The act of loving expands a being, brightens it, lights if aflame.  This happens for both beloveds, and so the essential self they give as offering the next time is that much bigger, purer, and brighter.  I believe that this is the true purpose of deep relating – because a more refined, bright, and pure self can do more to help the world around him or her.

Think about it – if you’ve ever “fallen” in love, you know that you have access to almost infinite energy, everything looks beautiful, you are “on top of the world”.  Imagine then if you knew how to generate that feeling consistently, and you had some amazing purpose to turn it toward - how much good could you be doing from this type of full heart?

In a beautiful way, an intimate partnership can fuel the love that you have to give to others, and just as magically, the love you give others becomes the fuel that keeps your relationship strong.

The other day someone told my partner and I that we were one of the few inspiring examples of what she would call a “spiritual partnership” that she had seen in this world.  She, and others too, said that our partnership gave her hope.  I was surprised and pleased because exactly what she expressed is a major part of the mission of our relationship.  We stated strongly at the beginning of our union that we wanted to be very much in love so that others could find that state for themselves.  We would experience the best possible bliss that partnership had to offer, and we would do it as a gift (pretty self-sacrificing, huh?)!

My experience has been that this statement of intention at the very core of our relationship yoga practice has acted as an engine generating and attracting goodness from all around us.  Our relationship flourishes because we know exactly how we want to use it to serve everyone around us.  We found out that losing oneself in love of another brings deep peace and satisfaction, and decided to find out what might happen if we lost ourselves in love of all others – so far it has proven to be a great choice!

What are the agreements or statements of purpose underlying your relationships?  How are you using the interactions with friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that you encounter every day?  Could you engage a type of purpose that brought more empowerment, intentionality, and love to these relationships?  What might happen to your life, and the lives of those around you, if it did?