Secret Engines

In every relationship – in every kind of relationship even – you have a mission statement.  Perhaps you were not aware of this.  Every time you get together with another being, you are signing up for something.  It may be as simple as signing up for enough communication for you to buy your pack of gum, and for him or her to not get fired.  In other cases, you’ve signed up for things with even higher stakes.

Sometimes we are aware of these mission statements present in our interactions, other times they bubble under the radar and exert a subtle influence on how you relate. 

These statements of purpose may be unknown to you, but they act as powerful forces that determine what potential is able to manifest in any given union.  Many traditions around the world feel that there is some power in prayer.  The ancient yogis often felt that the most powerful prayers had to do with your intentions.  If you intend to help others (or even yourself without harming anyone) some great power seems to be marshaled behind what you are doing.  The purpose that you are holding for your relationship – consciously or unconsciously – acts like a type of prayer, molding and shaping the way it will manifest.

In intimate relationships, many of the happiest people have found that holding an intention of being of service to their partner is the secret.  The longest lasting relationships you’ll find likely involve people who have come to understand that healthily putting the other’s needs in a primary position is the path to harmony.  Indeed, it has been argued that the only reason love feels so GOOD is that you lose yourself in thoughts of the other.  This selflessness, this form of ecstasy created by moving out of your own needs and into care is a sure-fire way to stay “in love” for a very long time.

I think, though, that there is even a further step that we can take.  In the realm of yoga and inner practice, having a relationship isn’t just about being happy (although that’s certainly important).  A yogi doesn’t consider whether or not to have a relationship with someone based on whether he or she would like to or not – the yogi decides based on how the relationship applies to his or her mission.  For some reason, every deep yogic practitioner I’ve ever met or heard of was filled with the fire of purpose.  They may say odd things like “there’s nothing to do, just rest in your original nature” – but their actions are usually accomplishing many things for the benefit of many beings.  In my small experience of meditative states, I have consistently experienced that the deep rest and insight which comes from moving through meditative levels always produces a vast feeling of love, and a clear sense of direction through which to make this love manifest.

When a yogi looks to enter intimate partnership, it is because the combined power of two is greater than the sum of each one that comes into the union.  Some magic happens in the giving away of oneself – nothing essential is ever lost, but in the giving, something magical seems to be gained.  The act of loving expands a being, brightens it, lights if aflame.  This happens for both beloveds, and so the essential self they give as offering the next time is that much bigger, purer, and brighter.  I believe that this is the true purpose of deep relating – because a more refined, bright, and pure self can do more to help the world around him or her.

Think about it – if you’ve ever “fallen” in love, you know that you have access to almost infinite energy, everything looks beautiful, you are “on top of the world”.  Imagine then if you knew how to generate that feeling consistently, and you had some amazing purpose to turn it toward - how much good could you be doing from this type of full heart?

In a beautiful way, an intimate partnership can fuel the love that you have to give to others, and just as magically, the love you give others becomes the fuel that keeps your relationship strong.

The other day someone told my partner and I that we were one of the few inspiring examples of what she would call a “spiritual partnership” that she had seen in this world.  She, and others too, said that our partnership gave her hope.  I was surprised and pleased because exactly what she expressed is a major part of the mission of our relationship.  We stated strongly at the beginning of our union that we wanted to be very much in love so that others could find that state for themselves.  We would experience the best possible bliss that partnership had to offer, and we would do it as a gift (pretty self-sacrificing, huh?)!

My experience has been that this statement of intention at the very core of our relationship yoga practice has acted as an engine generating and attracting goodness from all around us.  Our relationship flourishes because we know exactly how we want to use it to serve everyone around us.  We found out that losing oneself in love of another brings deep peace and satisfaction, and decided to find out what might happen if we lost ourselves in love of all others – so far it has proven to be a great choice!

What are the agreements or statements of purpose underlying your relationships?  How are you using the interactions with friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that you encounter every day?  Could you engage a type of purpose that brought more empowerment, intentionality, and love to these relationships?  What might happen to your life, and the lives of those around you, if it did?