Have you felt the longing? (Sutras on Longing vol 1)

Have you felt the longing?

Some days it feels like there’s a hole in your heart.

Others, just a nagging, as if something remains undone.

Many jump to find the next job.

Some think a new sexual position will do the trick.

Some of us try to fill that hole with a child

Others with an upgrade to our car.

One day the longing tells you that a deeper love is possible - you have not even tasted a fraction of the potential for love

And so you leave your mate in search of the depth you know is out there

Another day the nagging tells you you are not doing what you were made for, something about this home, this job, this life isn’t…quite….right….

And you apply for a Master’s degree.

But it never fills the void.

This void, this longing cannot be filled by a child, or a Master’s degree, not by iPhone version 2453, nor by any sexual position ever known.

There’s a reason that you are still not fulfilled.  A reason that no matter how long you’ve looked for your purpose, or your soul mate, or the life of your dreams, something’s still missing.

A deeper love IS possible.  It is YOUR love.  You are not looking for something that you get, but for something that you give.

It’s like the old adage says - “the thing you are searching for is the one who’s doing the searching!”  It’s not that you need to try to look backward in your own head to see your own seeing or something.  It’s not that you are supposed to be celibate because your true mate is within you.  It is just that when you give from the heart, the void is already filled.

You do have a destiny, and maybe you aren’t doing what you are made for.  Because you were made for love.  You were made to love beyond all limits of what you think is possible.  And you were made to revel in this and rejoice with all your heart.

Only then will you finally release longing.  Only then will you truly know you are living a life with nothing left undone.

Stuck in the Bardo....with you

One of my favorite spiritual teachers once said:
"if you keep experiencing the same thing over and over, then you are stuck in the Bardo"

The Bardo is Buddhist language for the intermediate phase between death in one incarnation, and birth in the next.  Classically, this is described as an experience specifically related to life, death, and what comes inbetween - but many practitioners have noted how well this concept applies to every day of our lives.

It is said that after the body dies, the person experiences a series of intense hallucinations.  Images of wrathful and terrifying form arise that make the wandering soul recoil in fear.  Images of beauty and lust cause the confused spirit to grasp with desire.  The trick, though, is that all these images are projections of the wandering being's own mind.  The failure to recognize the origin of these tantalizing and terrifying illusions, they say, is what forces us to take on rebirth again and again.

When I think on this, I'm struck by how relevant it is to the practice of conscious interrelating.  Have you ever noticed that the same patterns seem to keep emerging in your life?

As a practitioner, I have noticed this in myself, and as a coach, I get to hear about it a lot.  Oddly, it seems that my clients might try all sorts of affirmations, exercise routines, new dating sites, and the like, and yet still get the same ol' results.  I think that I've seen people only getting the same results through these methods because they fail to grasp the fundamental insight "It's not you, it's me".

It can be very difficult to stop seeing the world outside ourselves as a solid thing, coming 100% from "out there" - and yet, if we can pause from that external projection, we can gain powerful insight that will change our whole life.  It is said that the Bardo is one of the places where - with training - a yogi can recognize the true nature of her Mind, and can transcend the suffering style of life we've grown so used to.  What is this training like?  First is being able to observe "I want to run away, that's a SCARY MONSTER!" or "I wanna get a piece of that fine hottie over there!"  Notice these impulses and be able to pause from acting on them - don't believe what the mind wants to tell you.  Then, recognize "Oh wait, scary monster, I'm sorry... it's not you, it's ME!"  They say that the results of practicing in this way are like learning to Lucid Dream - all of a sudden you wake up and you are in control.  No, you haven't turned into a control freak... and you can still be pleasantly surprised, but all the stress gets removed because you realize that the reality which is appearing is something that you have always been a part of, cooperating.

Relationship, it seems, can be like a miniature Bardo, and seeing the same thing over and over can be a wake up call to look within yourself - the dreamer.  If your partner keeps looking like a scary monster, maybe it's time to stop running or fighting, but to simply recognize where the monster really came from.  If other people's partners keep looking like attractive gods and goddesses, perhaps the moment is ripe to not grasp at them, but look within and remember why you dreamed them.

If we can stop, and recognize the nature of what is arising, we have a chance to be liberated in this kind of Bardo.  Instead of throwing ourselves into the same kind of rebirth we've been seeing all along, we will "Level Up" planting a new dream by changing ourselves with knowledge.  When we see the alluring and terrifying illusions as the play of our own heart looking back to us, we become very concerned with the quality of that heart.  As Master Patanjali said in the Yoga Sutras: "when the images begin to torment you, sit down and work out the antidote."

When we understand this, then even though the monsters out there certainly look scary, and the deities sure are cute, we see that their nature is like a dream -  it is flexible, and ultimately our own responsibility.  It is only then that we can take a new adventure - an adventure into finding where the dream came from, what is possible, and how fun it could possibly be!

Happy dreaming fellow travelers.

Let your partner be your Qigong Master

The idea of being a "Qigong Master" has been on my mind a lot lately.

This is partially because I hold a certificate that says I AM a qigong master :)

As I expand my practice into serving more and more people with energetic therapies, I've been feeling deeper into the question of what exactly a Qigong Master DOES.  What is it that earns you this title of "Master"?  What is the best way to put that role and those skills into play?

The main thing that has come to me, during a few recent healing arts sessions, is that the role of a Qigong master is to be able to feel into the places that the recipient of healing is not even aware of him or herself, and to have a wider perspective on the nature of illness, life events, or emotions and their meaning.

What struck me the instant after this insight arose is that this is exactly the type of partner that I want to be... and also the type of partner I'd like to have.

I'm going to assume in this blog that readers are not merely interested in an intimate partnership that meets a certain selection of their needs in a fairly consistent way, but rather have an intuition that relationship could be something more.

I hear a lot of people speaking to the ideals that an intimate partner could somehow raise you up to the next level in your spiritual growth, that they could take you farther than you could go yourself.  And yet, I don't hear a lot of people raving about their success in this department.... and I don't think there's anything wrong with them or their partners - rather, it seems there are some very specific principles and skills that it would take to create this kind of relationship and have it succeed.  People are intuiting a very high level of relationship, something rare, and something which requires cultivation.

In considering what many of us want in relationship, it seemed that the metaphor of the role of the qigong master was a valid one.  We want someone who can sense inside of us what we are really needing and going through, we want someone who can guide us when we need it the most, who can be a stable presence during the storms we encounter in life.  In some cases this may be a wishful fantasy of a partner who could "read your mind" in order to give you what you want more consistently, but I think there is something deeper here.  You are not looking for a beloved who uses this ability just to coddle you and keep you from getting uncomfortable, you are looking for someone who can open you more than you've opened before - who can find the areas of your heart and life that are stuck, and begin to release them.

The missing element that we often don't notice, though, is trust.  It is one thing to want someone to be able to see into your heart and know you better than you know yourself, but when it comes down to it - that's a little disconcerting.  We have grown used to knowing who we are and that can be very hard to give up.  Perhaps this is why the "ego" in Sanskrit is called the "Ahamkara" which literally means the "i maker".  We love to make up this sense of "I" over and over.  It seems very secure to know who we are.

If we consider it, though, how accurate are we?  The ancient yogis and Buddhist masters would say that we are placing our trust in a fiction.  We think that we are some kind of fixed self that will never change or fall apart - but then reality comes along again and again and gives us a rude awakening.  Every year many of us will think that we can reach certain goals, only to be "disappointed in ourselves" when we don't.  If the "I" was the way we thought it was, we wouldn't have to be disappointed - we would have assessed our abilities correctly.  If the "I" was the way we thought, we could also get the mind to do what we ask it to.  We would not ever be "of two minds" about things because we would be a real, singular, "self".  The fact is that "I" does not exist in the way I seem to.  If we trust the vested interests of our egos to run our lives, we are doomed to stay stuck in the same patterns we have always circled in - even if you don't think that is suffering, it is at the very least boring.

To break loose from these patterns, we need a Guide.  We need someone with an outside perspective.  We can't just pick ANY guide though, we need a qualified one.  Many of us already know what happens when you pick an unqualified guide - we found out by listening to our friends' advice in high school, or by blindly following our parent's religion, or the religion of our consumer culture.  We cannot just trust and hope for the best.  The idea of calling someone a "master" doesn't mean that you get to surrender your critical thinking abilities completely - this idea has gotten many disciples into trouble with their "gurus".

When choosing someone to perform medical qigong or other healing modalities, we first want to check their references - did they go to school?  Do they have a valid lineage?  Have they had much clinical experience?  What is their teacher's reputation?  We might also want to see if their personality is a "fit".  Do we like the way they communicate?  Do their perspectives and insights seem to resonate?  Are they operating under a similar worldview to our own.  If these preliminary qualities match up, we may be able to give them a bit of our trust and open to them enough to receive a good treatment.

This too is a testing process.  Does the treatment work in the way they claim it will?  Do the intuitions they receive during the therapy match our own inner sense of things?  Do we find that over the long-term our health, mind, and life are improving?  If we can answer yes to these questions then it might be time to invest a significant amount of trust in a healer or guide.

How many of us do this with a partner?  I know that for myself and many people I know, the desire to have someone in our lives to share experiences with is so deep that we often fail to consider whether a potential mate has the skill-set, maturity, or experience to help take us where we want to go spiritually.  Is it any wonder, then, that we fail to develop the ability to surrender to them?  Should it surprise us that they "let us down"?  Do we have any choice but to remain closed to them?  Perhaps the fact that they fail to rise to the challenge of guiding us to greater openness and presence is  the natural result of our continued closure toward them, because we are uncertain that they can guide us masterfully?

If you find a candidate, you must test them, but then once you've tested them, you have to realize that their ability to be a "master" depends on you empowering them to be so.  In the Buddhist tradition it is said that if you devote yourself to a Teacher and they actually are not an enlightened being, it doesn't matter, because the energy of your devotion will call all enlightened qualities through them.  I think this speaks to the power we have in shaping the capacities of our partner.  The energy of trust is itself magical.  If you want a more trustable partner, you can start by finding places where you can practice trusting them.

It is likely that you chose them for a reason.  You chose them on some level because they can highlight the exact places where you need to grow.  Sometimes this is just through being a mirror to your subconscious blocks, but other times it is through direct instruction.  If empowered, your partner can come to know your heart better than you know your own.  They can come to see the blind spots that you will never be able to see.  And isn't this perhaps why we crave communion?  Could this be why so many of us have an intuition that partnership could be the path that leads us to greater growth and wholeness than we've ever felt before?

Can we become courageous enough to take the big leap of letting another lead our hearts?  Could we empower a loved one to show us what we have the potential to be?  This, I think is the promise of partnership, the promise of mastery.

a sermon on "have to", "can't", willingess, and capability

Excerpted from my Sunday Church service:

"I want to tell you a story today about smiling jackal.  Now jackals are always barking and sniping at each other… it’s the only way they know how to communicate.

Smiling Jackal, though, was different than his brothers and sisters.  When Mama Jackal would tell them to do something, they would growl and snarl and sometimes mama had to give them a little bite before they would do their chores.  Smiling Jackal would just smile and then do his chores.

Afterward though, smiling jackal would sneak outside, and the smile would slowly slip away.  He would run about, bark, howl, and snarl.  He would dig up the ground all around the plain by their den and he was very unhappy.

One day Giraffe was walking by while all this was happening.  “what ever is wrong?” asked giraffe.  “Mama Jackal is soooo mean” replied smiling Jackal.  “Why do you say that?” asked Giraffe.  “Because she makes me do things I don’t want to do!”  He snarled.

“So you’re feeling angry?” asked giraffe.  “YES!” Roared smiling jackal. “ Because you don’t want anyone to make you do things you don’t want to do?”  “THAT’S RIGHT!  I shouldn’t have to do anything I don’t choose to do!”  smiling jackal said.

“But you didn’t do anything you didn’t want to do” said Giraffe.  

“oh yes I did," said Smiling Jackal "I didn’t want to do the dishes, but I did them anyway!  She made me do it.” 

Giraffe replied:

“Smiling Jackal, no one can make you do what you don’t want to do.  It sounds to me like you wanted something else even more than you didn’t want to do your chores…. Can you think of what that would be?”

“errrrm….” Growled Smiling Jackal… “well, if I don’t do my chores, mamma will bite me, I don’t want her to bite me”

“Ok,” said Giraffe, “so you wanted safety more than you wanted to not do your chores?”

“I guess SO!” said Smiling Jackal.  “um… I also don’t want mamma to be angry at me, I want mamma to be happy and to cuddle me”

“wow!” said Giraffe, “so it sounds like you wanted love and harmony even more than you wanted to not do your chores.  Is that right?”

“it sounds right,” said smiling Jackal.  “I try to smile and be good so mamma will be happy, but then I feel SO angry afterward and I don’t know why”

“Well,” giraffe said, “even though you were smiling on the outside, it sounds like on the inside you thought someone was making you do something.  Nobody likes to be told what they have to do – usually they feel powerless and that makes them angry”

“I do feel powerless,” said smiling jackal, “even though I smile and go along with it,”

“And how do you feel when you think about how you chose to do your chores because your desire for safety, harmony, and affection were stronger than your desire for freedom and to make your own decisions?”

asked Giraffe.

“Well, now I feel sad, not angry.  Like, I still want to be able to make my own decisions, but now I see how I am not powerless, I am choosing the things that are most important to me.  I don’t like that I have to do my chores when someone else tells me I have to, but I understand that I choose to do them so that I can have harmony in the den.”

“Thank you friend Giraffe!” said smiling Jackal, and ran off to play.

Willing vs. Capable

So just like we learned in our story today, no one can make you do anything.  That means that you don’t have to do anything.  We choose to do things.  To certain extent, most of us only have to do a few things – like breathe.  Most of us are not capable of stopping our breath through volition alone like the great yogis can, but aside from breathing, there is little that we have to do.  Similar to "have to" is our relation to the word can’t.  Many of use have come to use can’t as a convenience and a form of politeness.  It just sounds nicer to say “I can’t come tonight, I’ve got soo much to do” than to say “I’m choosing to do other things this evening rather than spend time with you.”

        

When you’re capable, but not willing

On one level, this is just social nicety and short-hand, but I think it becomes a problem when we start to talk this way to ourselves.  If you really wanted to go out with your friend, but felt like the other activities were forcing you to stay home (I have to study tonight), you might start to feel frustrated and resentful.  On the other hand, if, on the inside, you remember that you are choosing to stay home because you want to fulfill certain needs or values that you hold, it might still feel sad, but the pain of resentment, powerlessness, are not a part of the story (“I am choosing to study because my value for learning, financial stability, and accountability are very important to me right now”).

         When we say “can’t” we are creating an illusion of powerlessness.  We are adopting an energetic stance that is actually not true.  You may not need to change your language on the outside if you aren’t experiencing any big relationship challenges, but changing it on the inside can significantly reduce your own angst.

        

When you’re willing, but not capable

Another important element to consider is whether others are willing or capable of meeting the requests we make of them.  Many times, when people respond to us with “I can’t”, what they really mean is “I choose not to”.  Sometimes though, people agree to things that they are not actually capable of.  I personally, in my heart of hearts, would love to work 8 hour days about 6 days per week, have a 4 hour a day meditation practice, get plenty of sleep, AND spend quality time with my partner.  Sadly, this is not currently an option because there is simply not enough time and mental energy available.  When I’ve tried to do this, I’ve gotten sick and depressed.  Perhaps it is a similar case when we ask a friend who is not yet emotionally intelligent to speak to us more kindly.  They might be willing to do so, but they may not be capable.

Letting go of resentment and attachment to a behavior – when someone isn’t capable of meeting our needs

         Perhaps this is the time to invoke the wisdom of an ancient song – “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need”.  We cannot get what we want from everyone we want it from, in the ways that we want it.  If we understand that sometimes people just aren’t capable, it can make it easier for us to let go of the intensity of our need for them to behave in a certain way, and also easier to release some of the disappointment or anger.  

         If a friend makes a ridiculous request of me that requires me to work extra hard, I might feel frustrated or angry at them for not doing their own share.  But my opinion might change if I find out they had a broken leg, were having a panic attack, or just got some very bad news.  My capacity to be of service, or at least to forgive, increases when I understand that another may not be capable of engaging with me in the way I hoped they would.

        

Letting go of resentment when people aren’t willing to meet our needs

Now the difficult work – can we let go of sadness and anger when a person simply isn’t willing?  This is where we must invoke the power of empathy.  They are saying they “can’t”, but we know that what they mean is that they are unwilling.  This doesn’t feel great when we are making a request for more affection, or for help of some kind when we think we need it the most.  But the more practice we have at accepting this possibility and loving another anyway, the less strain it will put on our own hearts.

It is possible for us to feel into what needs might be present for another that are making them unwilling to meet our needs in the way we want them to.  Please remember  that when you felt that you can’t in some situation, it is because you are actually meeting some other need or value that appears more important to you at the time.  Perhaps the person that is unwilling to respond positively to your request has other priorities that they are valuing right now.

If you can imagine the needs or values that the other person is meeting for him or herself, you can feel into their experience, love them, and forgive them – Even if you have to give yourself empathy for your own needs not being met in the way you wanted them to be.  Placing yourself in the other's shoes allows you to remain connected to them even if you are not getting the kind of love you might want.

Just in the way that in most cases you don’t have to do many of the things you tell yourself you do.  You will not perish if these specific requests aren’t met.  You’ve taken the power back to yourself.  Because of this, you will not feel the need to punish others for their unwillingness, but instead find ways to move toward what each of you IS willing to do from your sense of connection and nourishing life!"

Secret Engines

In every relationship – in every kind of relationship even – you have a mission statement.  Perhaps you were not aware of this.  Every time you get together with another being, you are signing up for something.  It may be as simple as signing up for enough communication for you to buy your pack of gum, and for him or her to not get fired.  In other cases, you’ve signed up for things with even higher stakes.

Sometimes we are aware of these mission statements present in our interactions, other times they bubble under the radar and exert a subtle influence on how you relate. 

These statements of purpose may be unknown to you, but they act as powerful forces that determine what potential is able to manifest in any given union.  Many traditions around the world feel that there is some power in prayer.  The ancient yogis often felt that the most powerful prayers had to do with your intentions.  If you intend to help others (or even yourself without harming anyone) some great power seems to be marshaled behind what you are doing.  The purpose that you are holding for your relationship – consciously or unconsciously – acts like a type of prayer, molding and shaping the way it will manifest.

In intimate relationships, many of the happiest people have found that holding an intention of being of service to their partner is the secret.  The longest lasting relationships you’ll find likely involve people who have come to understand that healthily putting the other’s needs in a primary position is the path to harmony.  Indeed, it has been argued that the only reason love feels so GOOD is that you lose yourself in thoughts of the other.  This selflessness, this form of ecstasy created by moving out of your own needs and into care is a sure-fire way to stay “in love” for a very long time.

I think, though, that there is even a further step that we can take.  In the realm of yoga and inner practice, having a relationship isn’t just about being happy (although that’s certainly important).  A yogi doesn’t consider whether or not to have a relationship with someone based on whether he or she would like to or not – the yogi decides based on how the relationship applies to his or her mission.  For some reason, every deep yogic practitioner I’ve ever met or heard of was filled with the fire of purpose.  They may say odd things like “there’s nothing to do, just rest in your original nature” – but their actions are usually accomplishing many things for the benefit of many beings.  In my small experience of meditative states, I have consistently experienced that the deep rest and insight which comes from moving through meditative levels always produces a vast feeling of love, and a clear sense of direction through which to make this love manifest.

When a yogi looks to enter intimate partnership, it is because the combined power of two is greater than the sum of each one that comes into the union.  Some magic happens in the giving away of oneself – nothing essential is ever lost, but in the giving, something magical seems to be gained.  The act of loving expands a being, brightens it, lights if aflame.  This happens for both beloveds, and so the essential self they give as offering the next time is that much bigger, purer, and brighter.  I believe that this is the true purpose of deep relating – because a more refined, bright, and pure self can do more to help the world around him or her.

Think about it – if you’ve ever “fallen” in love, you know that you have access to almost infinite energy, everything looks beautiful, you are “on top of the world”.  Imagine then if you knew how to generate that feeling consistently, and you had some amazing purpose to turn it toward - how much good could you be doing from this type of full heart?

In a beautiful way, an intimate partnership can fuel the love that you have to give to others, and just as magically, the love you give others becomes the fuel that keeps your relationship strong.

The other day someone told my partner and I that we were one of the few inspiring examples of what she would call a “spiritual partnership” that she had seen in this world.  She, and others too, said that our partnership gave her hope.  I was surprised and pleased because exactly what she expressed is a major part of the mission of our relationship.  We stated strongly at the beginning of our union that we wanted to be very much in love so that others could find that state for themselves.  We would experience the best possible bliss that partnership had to offer, and we would do it as a gift (pretty self-sacrificing, huh?)!

My experience has been that this statement of intention at the very core of our relationship yoga practice has acted as an engine generating and attracting goodness from all around us.  Our relationship flourishes because we know exactly how we want to use it to serve everyone around us.  We found out that losing oneself in love of another brings deep peace and satisfaction, and decided to find out what might happen if we lost ourselves in love of all others – so far it has proven to be a great choice!

What are the agreements or statements of purpose underlying your relationships?  How are you using the interactions with friends, family, co-workers, and strangers that you encounter every day?  Could you engage a type of purpose that brought more empowerment, intentionality, and love to these relationships?  What might happen to your life, and the lives of those around you, if it did?

Transformation Threshold

About 10 years ago now, during a challenging part of a relationship, I read a fabulous book called "Dont break up before the breakthrough!"  Actually, I don't remember if the book was well written or not, but I know that the main idea it presented has stuck with me for many years - that sometimes when it is hardest to stay is when the biggest magic is about to happen.

Around the same period I read something about how the discipline of rebirthing was developed by Leonard Orr.  As I remember it, he described his experience of bathing in a hot pool that had signs warning people not to stay too long in the heat.  Well, he was sitting there and feeling safe, but starting to notice strange sensations arising in his body, and the vague impulse to get out, do something else.  He had the thought "what if I just stay."  Staying proved to be what began the process of unlocking an amazing body-mind practice that many people utilize to discover and integrate deep feelings and inspirations.

I guess the point here for me is this:  When do I feel like it's time to stop and move onto the next activity, and why?  Of course, sometimes our impulse to stop is a very valuable one - like when the stomach is full after a good meal, or when we've had enough sleep.  At other times, though, it can be good to question the impulse to change to a new activity.  It is for this reason that many people will hire a trainer for their physical exercise - because by ourselves, we don't know exactly how far we can go, and how far it is safe to push.

One of the biggest places that we can observe the transformation threshold experience is in intimate relationships.  There is a natural process that happens after about 6-9 months of relating where the hormones just kind of wear off and you are left with whatever actual intimacy you were able to create beyond the biological push to mate.  This is about how much time that body judges is appropriate to ensure impregnation and therefore survival of the species.  Oddly, sometimes it isn't just biological sex drives that attract us to another person, but this pattern plays itself out in many relationships.

I'm sure that in some relationships, the wearing off of brain chemicals that enforce mating activities is a good thing - because the person you are with was never partner material.  In other cases, though, you may give up on one of the most fabulous potential mates simply because "you lost that loving feeling".  It can be very disconcerting when the sex drive that starts a relationship slacks off, or when the motivation to spend time together doesn't seem as present as it was.  This is the time where one or both partners my begin reconsidering if "this is a good idea".

The wonderful gift about even knowing that such a thing as a transformation threshold exists is that you can look deeply and honestly at these decisions.  Rather than a confusing time of wondering why the relationship is lacking spark, or you are feeling irritable, you can recognize that you have reached a moment where you can consider if a deeper level of intimacy is available and calling to you.

In my own current relationship, I was able to notice this moment arising and state my needs for deeper intimacy to my partner.  I could feel that we were reaching a moment of decision, and we could either spiral deeper together, or spiral out and apart.  In the relationship that led me to that breakthrough book, I was forced to evaluate my habitual tendency just to make a change when things got hard.  I learned that sometimes it's more valuable to work through the challenge.

Of couse, that 6/9month mark is not the only transformation threshold in a relationship, just perhaps the most common - because it is biological.  The rest will likely be unique to you.  It is so amazing to me that, having learned this about relationship, I've seen how it applies to my work, my meditation practice, and every other aspect of life.  It appears that the old phrase "it's darkest just before the dawn" really does apply.  In meditation, in work, in school, and in relationship - just because things seem to be falling apart does not mean that you're doing anything wrong - it may mean just the opposite, that you are doing things exactly right.

This is similar to how the concept of the sound barrier was developed.  During World War II, many pilots began to notice significant problems with being able to accelerate to high speeds - their propellors or wings might come apart, or they might not be able to pull out of dives.  One solution might just be not to fly so fast - another solution was to put in the work to develop the jet engine and take things supersonic!

So, how do we gauge then?  If we can't always count on the feelings of pleasure or displeasure we are feeling to give us the honest truth about our decisions, what can we count on?

In my experience, each of us has a deep intuitive knowing within that we can call on in any moment (ok, sometimes we can only access it in our better moments). This knowing, if you can tap into it, seems to transcend whether we like what it's telling us or not.  Your intuition may tell you to stay even when things seem dire, or to go even when the seas are smooth.  I've found it important to learn to trust this inner compass.

I've also needed to learn to live by vow rather than by other measures.  What does this mean?  It means that I have found a personal code of ethics that works for me, and this code is the standard to which I hold my actions.  The main idea of my personal code is to be of benefit to all beings (including myself).  With any question, I can apply this test - would staying with this person benefit all beings more, or would leaving?  Would taking this job benefit all beings more, or would letting it go?  You have to let your intuition answer, because of course we can never know the ultimate outcome of any choice - but many times just asking in this way can pierce through the confusion that inevitably comes when taking the journey of self-transformation.

Where are your transformation thresholds right now?  What are you considering breaking up with that might turn into deep magic on just the other side of this challenge.  You are on a hero's quest, and there are many dragons that need to be faced down and defeated.  I pray you face them with courage!

A Secret Key to Heart Communion

Sometimes the best communication techniques just don't "work."

Sometimes I diligently state my "Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests," and all it results in is the person calling me distant, or removed from my emotions.

I think that there are two things going on here when this happens - the first is about energy.

Regardless of what you say, the human, animal, or plant that you are communicating with is deeply attuned to how you feel when you say it.  Various studies point to strange facts like people being able to accurately tell when they are being stared at through closed circuit cameras, dogs getting excited when their owner starts their trip home, and plants thriving when given extra love and attention.

If this is true, then how can we expect someone to respond to our surface kindness if what is happening underneath feels like anger, disrespect, judgement, or disappointment?

I think this is the root of some of the complaints I have heard at times about disciplines like NonViolent Communication and the like - that it can feel inauthentic, that is interrupts actual intimacy, and that at times people have been judged for their inability to utilize the process in an "orthodox" way.  I have myself experienced the use of communication protocols in ways that created greater distance than closeness (sometimes it was me using them this way).

In my current understanding, this is because what is being communicated is not just your words.  In addition to words, there is tone, facial expression, body posture, and the like.  It can be valuable to learn to utilize our posture, tone, and expression to inspire safety in another, but I think that there is an even faster way.  That way is simply love.  When we are feeling love for the other person, our tone will naturally reflect it, our posture will signify it, and our expression will shine that love outward.

Many have had the experience that somehow even if their partner is communicating like a complete fool, but there is a sense of love, it makes the situation somehow a little more "OK".

I think this understanding can lead to an even deeper understanding - that the point of these communication and intimacy tools was never to get our "needs" met in the first place.  Yes, we talk about our needs, but I think that the deepest level of practice is one in which we share our needs with the other person simply as a way to unveil our deepest selves.  The practice of communion through communication is not one of learning more skillful ways to get what we want - it is a practice of continually giving our hearts away to the other.

This is what I mean when I say "love".  There are some people who would much rather have a good ol' fashioned shouting match that had the force of love behind it than a civilized conversation centered around each person protecting his or her ego.

Marshall Rosenberg reminds us that the aim of his system, NVC, is not to get what we want, but simply to share what is "alive in us" - by playing the game he calls "making life wonderful."  The amazing thing is, many of us come to realize, that the best way TO get what we want, is simply to let go of our own desires in the act of giving our heart to the other.

One of my favorite teachers on the path of partnership, David Deida speaks of different "stages" that we can operate from in relationship.  The first stage is selfish, the second is sort of 50/50, and the third is total giving love.

I think that when I hear people who are well trained in communication crying out for a deeper sense of sharing, they are ready to make the leap from the 50/50, "give a little, get a little" phase into the "balls out" love till it hurts, "F#ck everything, i'm loving anyway!" phase, which is the third stage.  This transition is not easy, it's completely terrifying.  The second stage is one of well defined boundaries, "safe space," clear terminology, and agreements - these are some of the most important things we can grow if we are to learn to share the world with our beloveds in a healthy way, and in a way, the third stage means leaving those safety nets behind.

Eventually you come to find that the places inside where you need others to live up to their agreements before you can love them fully, the places where you want to make sure your boundaries are respected, and the places where you need some solid ground, are all grasping at safety for the ego.  There is a Love that exists beyond all this self protection.  That which acted as the deepest nourishment to bring us up from selfishness and fear has now become the greatest barrier to true intimacy.

In my own case, the pain of that barrier just became too great.  I was tired of hiding my heart and carving out space and time for its self-defense training.  I was exhausted from running after the needs of my little "self".  I yearned for the sweet release of giving everything in love.  I practiced half-heartedly with many patient dakinis until my heart was ripe - then I found a guru I could give myself to in devotion and have never yet regretted a single moment.  This love is a place of clarity and boundaries sometimes, and sometimes of defining terms and "taking space."  At other times, though, it is the willful and daring disregard of those carefully crafted boundaries, because love will not sit back any longer.  It is Kali-Ganesha force of wall-destruction and reveling in the dance of chaos for the sake of the Beloved.

This can never be self-serving, or you're just an ass.  And you do need to learn to communicate.  But when it comes down to it, on the inside, you have to be ready to put everything on the line to serve the other.  They may completely reject you, they may rush into your arms, you might totally fuck it up - there's no way to always get it "right".  But maybe for the first time in your life, like it was for me, you can relax with the feeling that you did your best, loved your hardest, and kept nothing in reserve for the trip home.